AP College Football Top 25: Brian Kelly Has Already Won The National Screaming Championship

  • Dan Spritz

Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Enjoy!

1.         Notre Dame

The Fighting Irish beat USC 22-13 to win the Jeweled Shillelagh and clinch a berth in the national championship game. To celebrate, Pope Benedict XVI named 6 new Cardinals Saturday.

2.         Alabama

Surprising no one, the Crimson Tide beat Auburn 49-0 in the Iron Bowl, the same score by which they beat Western Carolina the week before. Showing a rare burst of joy, Nick Saban recited Otto von Bismarck’s famed Blood and Iron speech to his team in the locker room. He then yelled at his defense for 45 minutes because of the four third down conversions they yielded.

3.         Georgia

The Bulldogs barely looked up en route to the SEC Championship, beating Georgia Tech 42-10 in the Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate game. When Aaron Murray approached Mark Richt at halftime and expressed empathy for the sputtering Yellow Jackets, Richt banished him from the locker room.

4.         Ohio State

The Buckeyes beat Michigan 26-21 in The Game, capping off an undefeated season. Urban Meyer claims that he lost his cool in the game’s waning seconds, but that might be because he hadn’t expressed any emotions in 6 months.

5.         Florida

The Gators used a strong fourth quarter to beat Florida State 37-26. In an actual response after the game, Will Muschamp said, “”We have a really tough football team, we should be playing for the national championship.” He then returned to the locker room to throw rusty nails at his team.

6.         Oregon

The Ducks beat Oregon State 48-24 in the Civil War, scoring 6 touchdowns on the ground. After the game, Chip Kelly said, “Civility is gone. Death to Beavers!”

7.         Kansas State

The Wildcats took the week off because they appreciate Thanksgiving. They play Texas Saturday.

8.         Stanford

The Cardinal beat UCLA 35-17 to earn a berth in the Pac 12 Championship… against UCLA. Thus far, David Shaw’s attempts to destroy UCLA are going according to plan.  No one hates Westwood more than he.

9.         LSU

The Tigers beat Arkansas 20-13 to win the Battle for the Golden Boot. When informed after the game that the boot isnot actually a boot, and it would not make Drew Alleman a better kicker, Les Miles stormed away from reporters.

10.      Texas A&M

The Aggies played Missouri because they joined the SEC together and are now obviously rivals, beating the Tigers 59-29. Johnny Manziel did nothing to dissuade the Heisman buzz around him, which means the emergence of the nickname “Johnny Heisman” seems inevitable. Prepare accordingly.

11.      South Carolina

The Gamecocks held Clemson’s offensive in check, winning the Battle of the Palmetto State 27-17. The win made Steve Spurrier South Carolina’s winningest head coach ever, but not its most homespun. That record is still held by early 1900s head coach Rhett “Simple Grits” Beauregard (visual approximation).

12.      Oklahoma

The Sooners beat Oklahoma State 51-48 in overtime behind Landry Jones’ 500 passing yards. The Bedlam game is always especially tough on Bob Stoops, though, as he prizes order above all else.

13.      Florida State

With a chance to win the Florida Cup, the Seminoles surrendered 24 fourth quarter points and lost to Florida 37-26. This should be a time for reflection and growth, except FSU can’t even look in the mirror correctly.

14.      Nebraska

The Cornhuskers beat Iowa 13-7 to win the Heroes Trophy. The Heroes Trophy was first awarded last year, and I can only assume it was presented to a collection of veterans and firefighters.

15.      Clemson

The Tigers’ offense was held in check, as they lost their fourth straight Battle of the Palmetto State 27-17 to South Carolina. There is perhaps no indictment of this team more damning than Steve Spurrier’s comment after the game: “When we play Clemson, they don’t seem to play very well.” What a mess.

16.      Oregon State

Despite a competitive first half, the Beavers couldn’t hang with Oregon and lost the Civil War 48-24. After the game, head coach Mike Riley said, “We should really change the name of this game. The men on the other side are savages.”

17.      UCLA

The Bruins lost 35-17 to Stanford, which is a good thing, because they get to play the Cardinal again in the Pac 12 Championship. Had they won, they would play Oregon. I can’t even grasp the mind games involved with the idea of losing on purpose to a team so you can play them 6 days later.

18.      Kent State

The Golden Flashes beat Ohio 28-6 to continue the best season in school history. Among other things, they are guaranteed their first bowl appearance since 1972, when they played Tampa in the Tangerine Bowl. The Tampa program disbanded two years later, so Kent State should play nice this time if they want another bowl invitation any time soon.

19.      Northern Illinois

Akeem Daniels ran for 112 yards and four touchdowns on only 12 carries as the Huskes beat Eastern Michigan 49-7. EMU is super-generically known as the Eagles, when “Emus” is right there for the taking. What are they thinking? Not much, that’s what.

20.      Utah State

The Aggies beat Idaho 45-9 and capped off their first outright conference title in 76 years. The Vandals, meanwhile, are 1-11 and glorify property damage. Seems like they’re going in opposite directions.

21.      Michigan

The Wolverines lost The Game 26-21, and were shut out in the second half. Denard Robinson played a number of positions that are not quarterback, which is only the most logical thing that could ever have happened.

22.      Northwestern

The Wildcats beat Illinois 50-14 to claim the Land of Lincoln Trophy. It was a surprisingly strong performance from the Illini, who elected to play an in-character Daniel Day-Lewis at quarterback. What a performer.

23.      Texas

The Longhorns lost 20-13 to TCU, their new rivals. UT converted what had been the annual Hex Rally for the Texas A&M game into a rally for the TCU game, because the Horned Frogs are the younger, sexier version of the Aggies.

24.      Oklahoma State

The Cowboys lost Bedlam to Oklahoma 51-48 in overtime. On the bright side, Mike Gundy claims they’ve made it to the next level, “In a World Series, a Super Bowl or a state championship game when you lose it’s a crushing blow. And the only reason is because you’ve taken it to another level. For the most part, this program’s at a different level.” So that’s fun.

25.      Boise State

The Broncos took the week off in a desperate attempt to rediscover the love America once had for them. They play Nevada Saturday.

Also receiving votes: Landon Donovan, fuckers, the Apple Cup, the Old Oaken Bucket, the Commonwealth Cup, the Egg Bowl, the Black and Blue Bowl, the Territorial Cup, the Rumble in the Rockies, the Battle for the Barrel, the Bayou Classic, Montee Ball.

Getty photo, by Jeff Gross