College Football Top 25, Brought To You By This Guy Who Should Not Be There

  • Dan Spritz

Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Enjoy!

1.         Alabama (59)
The Crimson Tide beat Tennessee 44-13, because everything about their football program is superior. Freshman Amari Cooper caught seven passes for 162 yards, angering Nick Saban because he showed up the upperclassmen. As such, Cooper has been sent to the basketball team for a couple weeks to learn some respect.

2.         Oregon
The Ducks scored 43 first half points before calling off the dogs en route to a 43-21 win over Arizona State. “Easier than chocolate chip cookies,” said Oregon coach Chip Kelly in another unsuccessful attempt to turn his name into a catchphrase.

3.         Florida (1)

Despite being out-yardaged, out-first downed, and drawing more penalties, the Gators beat South Carolina 44-11. Jeff Driskel had four touchdown passes on only 93 yards passing because he is the luckiest person in the world.

4.         Kansas State

Asserting their Big 12 supremacy and launching Collin Klein to the front of the Heisman conversation, the Wildcats beat West Virginia 55-14. That’s especially exciting for Klein, because he wouldn’t even need to leave Manhattan to attend the Heisman ceremony.

5.         Notre Dame

Once again winning with defense, the Fighting Irish beat fellow independent BYU 17-14. Reached in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI enthusiastically exclaimed, “I’m the Pope of the Mormons now!”

6.         LSU

The Tigers looked sloppy but ultimately ground Texas A&M down 24-19. Reacting to A&M freshman sensation Johnny Manziel’s chaotic, illogical, and sometimes erratic style of play at quarterback, Les Miles said, “He is me, and I am him.”

7.         Oregon State

Despite being worse in nearly every major statistical measure, the Beavers came up with a 21-7 win over Utah. It’s the first time Oregon State’s been 6-0 since 1907, when they were known as Oregon Agricultural College. Thank God they aren’t called the Aggie Beavers.

8.         Oklahoma

The Sooners were never really tested, blasting Kansas 52-7. After Roy Finch returned a kickoff 100 yards for a touchdown at the beginning of the second half, he screamed, “Jayhawks are not real birds!” He then mimed eating seeds before adjusting his “plumage.”

9.         Ohio State

The Buckeyes needed a late two-point conversion to tie the game before winning 29-22 in overtime over Purdue. Braxton Miller was taken to the hospital after an injury in the third quarter, and we wish him a speedy recovery.

10.      USC

The Trojans beat Colorado 50-6, with the quarterback-receiver tandem of Matt Barkley and Robert Woods setting a slew of records. After much deliberation, it was determined the records would still stand, even though they were set against Colorado.

11.      Florida State

The Seminoles beat Miami 33-20 in what I am told is still a very big rivalry. Stephen Morris started at quarterback, despite being listed as doubtful in Miami’s last injury report, providing the first-ever evidence that college football might be the least bit shady.

12.      Georgia

The Bulldogs had far more trouble with Kentucky than they should have, escaping with a 29-24 win. The Bulldogs missed one PAT, had a second bounce in off the upright, and had a failed 2-point conversion. They probably scored so few touchdowns because they were anxious about what would happen after.

13.      Mississippi State

The Bulldogs beat the Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders 45-3, because seriously, what’s a Blue Raider?

14.      Clemson

Thanks to a quieter offense and a surprisingly stout defense, the Tigers dispatched Virginia Tech 38-17. When asked about his team’s performance, Dabo Swinney said, “It was a real hokey game.” He was then booed out of the room.

15.      Texas Tech

The Red Raiders beat TCU 56-53 in a triple overtime thriller. Again with these colorful Raider names. But just because someone else is doing it doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, Middle Tennessee!

16.      Louisville

Thanks to a late touchdown pass from Teddy Bridgewater, the Cardinals slipped past South Florida 27-25. I like to imagine that Louisville coach Charlie Strong has his team watch Country Strong before every game, and then says, ”I don’t want you boys to just be Country Strong… I want you to be Charlie Strong.” It’d work like a charm.

17.      South Carolina

The Gamecocks were completely overmatched, falling to Florida 44-11. Steve Spurrier was so disoriented after the game that he went into the Gators’ locker room to berate Jeff Driskel.

18.      Rutgers

Facing off against new Big East foe Temple, the Scarlet Knights emerged with what was ultimately an easy 35-10 win. The first half was… difficult, but a halftime pep talk from superfan Rutger Hauer helped them right the ship.

19.      Stanford

The Cardinal won their third consecutive Big Game, downing Cal 21-3. It’s an impressive run, but to be fair, the Golden Bears have been having trouble winning even little games this year.

20.      Michigan

A late field goal helped the Wolverines beat Michigan State 12-10 to provide a big win in a season lacking in them. The loss ended the Spartans’ run at dominion over the entire state. Western Michigan, who hasn’t left the house for weeks, can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

21.      Boise State

Playing a little but more like the Broncos of yore, Boise beat UNLV 32-7. On top of that, the team had awesome new black uniforms, which created a cool black-and-blue aesthetic on the Smurf Turf.

22.      Texas A&M

Despite near-dominance early, the Aggies weren’t able to build much of a lead and ultimately fell 24-19 to LSU. They’ve played Louisiana State and Louisiana Tech in back-to-back weeks, but we won’t be really impressed until they take on Louisiana-Lafayette and Louisiana-Monroe.

23.      Ohio

After their first ranking in my lifetime (and probably yours, internet reader) the Ohio Bobcats got so cocky that they decided they wouldn’t even play. They’re back against Miami (OH) on Saturday.

24.      Louisiana Tech

The Bulldogs embarrassed Idaho, racking up 839 yards of total offense en route to a 70-28 win, That’s what you get for naming your team the Vandals, apparently.

25.      West Virginia

The Mountaineers faced a real football team again, losing to Kansas State 55-14. Geno Smith’s video game numbers have been gone the last two weeks, and he threw his first 2 interceptions of the season against the Wildcats. The catch-up logic in the Big 12 is insane.

Also receiving votes: Ryan Lochte, Johnny Football, Lee Corso’s Bucket, Paul Bunyan, fansinterlopersadversity, quarterbacks throwing TD passes to quarterbacks, naps, multi-colored raiders.