Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Let’s get to Week 5!
1. Alabama (55)
Despite some sluggishness from the offense, the Crimson Tide dominated Ole Miss 25-0. Nick Saban, who was so mad about his team’s performance that he combusted over a false start, disciplined his team by making them wait a week to watch the Breaking Bad finale.
2. Oregon (5)
The Ducks were once again untested, beating Cal 55-16. I was joking about state secession last week, but apparently California-Oregon secession is a legitimate issue. Apologies for being so flippant.
The Tigers were also dominant, wining 56-7. They beat Wake Forest, who, after more than a century of football, were finally downgraded to Demon Parishioners after this game.
4. Ohio State
The Buckeyes took advantage of a few Wisconsin mistakes to win 31-24. It was the return of Braxton Miller, who had four touchdown passes and whom Urban Meyer says he loves as much as he can love a son.
The Cardinal continued to roll along, beating Washington State 55-17. In more exciting news, this Stanford team may push offensive line play to its logical extreme.
Behind a strong game from Aaron Murray, the Bulldogs beat LSU 44-41. This was an especially important win for Murray, because LSU quarterback Zach Mettenberger used to be his roommate. Aaron Murray is a mean roommate.
The Cardinals took the week off out of mercy for their opponents. They play Temple on Saturday.
8. Florida State
In a surprisingly competitive game, the Seminoles beat BC 48-34 in front of a terrifying crowd at The Heights. The atmosphere was so raucous and there were so many Superfans around the stadium that it took me an extra three minutes to get to Whole Foods before the game started.
9. Texas A&M
In their second consecutive Southwest Conference matchup, the Aggies beat Arkansas 45-33. It was another good game for Johnny Manziel, who seems to know things we don’t.
The Tigers could not quite catch up to Georgia, losing 44-41. Now, please a take a moment and enjoy Les Miles’ comments on why he claps like a maniac. He does not perceive time and space the way you or I do.
The Sooners avenged last year’s loss and ended a seven-game losing streak to Notre Dame, winning 35-21. After the game, Pope Francis expressed concern about the Fighting Irish being out-possessed by more than 10 minutes, saying, “Engage your man! As we like to say around here, they have to put a zucchetto on a zucchetto.”
The Bruins took the week off to do everything in their power to keep Lane Kiffin employed. They play Utah Thursday.
13. South Carolina
The Gamecocks managed to avoid a Bortles-led upset, beating UCF 28-25. Shouldn’t UCF be better? They barely have any admission requirements and are in the middle of one of the country’s biggest recruiting pools. Seems like they’re one eccentric billionaire away from a national championship.
14. Miami (FL)
The Hurricanes jumped out to a huge lead and then coasted to a 49-21 win over South Florida. When major sporting events happen in Miami, they happen in “South Florida.” When the football team from Miami plays South Florida, they have to go to central Florida. Florida never disappoints.
Thanks in part to Bishop Sankey’s school-record 40 carries, the Huskies beat Arizona 31-13. After the game, many Wildcats players cited their checkers-heavy game plan as the reason for their loss.
The Wildcats took the week off to watch some pennant races. They will host Gameday and play Ohio State on Saturday.
Faced with an ironic pang of existentialism, the Bears took the week off to ponder whether life itself is pointless. They play West Virginia on Saturday.
The Gators trundled their way to their 27th consecutive win over Kentucky, 24-7. After the game, Will Muschamp said, “I’m glad Kentucky’s bad at football. They care too much about their hobbies, with basketball as the chief offender.”
The Wolverines bowed to the demands of the schedule, proving even Michigan Men need weeks off sometimes. They play Minnesota on Saturday.
20. Texas Tech
The Red Raiders took the week off to watch both the Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders and the Mount Union Purple Raiders. The worldview in Lubbock is very narrow. They play Kansas on Saturday.
21. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys’ hopes for the season took a hit as they were upset by West Virginia, 30-21. Even worse, the Mountaineers came to the game expecting a color war.
22. Arizona State
The Sun Devils ended Lane Kiffin’s tenure, beating USC 62-41. No Arizona State player was willing to comment when asked if the win was evidence that Kiffin had sold his soul to the devil for all of his coaching opportunities.
23. Fresno State
The Bulldogs traveled to Hawaii and beat the Warriors 42-37. The NFL seems fixated on this idea, but imagine if we put a college team in London. If they played Hawaii, the teams would have to meet in, like, Astana.
24. Ole Miss
The Rebels were reminded of where they stand in the SEC hierarchy, losing to Alabama 25-0. After the game Hugh Freeze, who has a certain affinity for Batman villains, said of Nick Saban’s theatrics, “Why so serious?”
The Terrapins took the week off to manipulate AP voters. They play Florida State on Saturday.
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