College Football Top 25: Les Miles Is The Hammer And We Are The Nail
Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Let’s get to Week 7!
1. Alabama (55)
Showing disdain for another inferior opponent, the Crimson Tide beat Kentucky 48-7 behind two rushing touchdowns from both Kenyan Drake and T.J Yeldon. Drake is, of course, the rapper President Obama idolized growing up.
2. Oregon (5)
The Ducks faced their first real test of the season against Washington, but they comfortably pulled away in the fourth quarter for a 45-24 win. Fast as they are, I believe that Oregon’s continued dominance is mostly a result of the terrifying alien cheerleaders they have begun bringing to games.
The Tigers were losing 14-10 in the fourth quarter, but were able to stave off BC’s upset bid and win 24-14 at home. This game, Eagles-Tigers, is another blow to the state of American creativity.
4. Ohio State
The Buckeyes took the week off so Urban Meyer could spend time with everyone but his family. They play Iowa on Saturday.
5. Florida State
The Seminoles took the week off to watch some tape and nurse their injuries. They play Clemson (!!!) on Saturday.
In a decidedly defensive matchup, the Tigers overpowered Florida to win 17-6. After the game, Les Miles gave an insane speech about a hammer and nails. Do not employ Les Miles as a contractor.
7. Texas A&M
The Aggies need a touchdown with three minutes to go and a field goal as time expired, but they were able to escape an upset from Ole Miss in Oxford, winning 41-38. In more exciting news, we should start referring to Johhny Football as a Gunrunner.
In a more subdued performance than usual, the Cardinals beat Rutgers 24-10. The win was especially important because, for the first time all season, Teddy Bridgewater revealed that he is not infallible.
The Bruins continued their undefeated season, easily dispatching Cal 37-10. It was an especially embarrassing loss for the Bears because they spent the whole week listening to “That’s How I Beat Shaq,” and they could not even do that.
10. Miami (FL)
The Hurricanes took the week off to investigate this year’s especially light hurricane season. They play North Carolina on Thursday.
11. South Carolina
The Gamecocks were unfazed by Arkansas, holding the Razorbacks to 30 passing yards en route to a 52-7 victory. Unfortunately, Jadeveon Clowney will be framed for a murder this week, so this will be the last game he plays this season.
With an uncharacteristically low-scoring game, the Bears defeated Kansas State 35-25. In much the same way that matter and antimatter interact, when Art Briles and Bill Snyder shook hands after the game, they both exploded into nothingness
The Cardinal were upset by Utah, with the Utes holding the goal line in the final minute to win 27-21. After the game, Stanford head coach David Shaw was so dejected that he went out and recruited five tight ends.
Thanks in part to this Bud Sasser gem, the Tigers pulled off a decisive win, beating Georgia 41-26. They’re now 6-0 and in first place in the SEC East, despite being the league’s most northwestern team. They might also be the league’s most “Northwestern” team, but that remains to be seen.
The Bulldogs were simply not as good as Missouri, falling 41-26 at home. The loss can certainly be traced, at least in part, to the team’s injury issues, but that’s what Justin Scott-Wesley gets for selling his last name to the devil.
16. Texas Tech
The Red Raiders had trouble separating from Iowa State, but they did emerge with a 42-35 win. In this tale of good vs. evil, it appears evil has won out.
17. Fresno State
The Bulldogs took the week off to give America a chance to get to know them. Unfortunately, Derek Carr was not able to appear on any podcasts. They play UNLV on Saturday.
The Sooners were upset in the AT&T Red River Rivalry (I am so sorry), losing to Texas 36-20. It was not a total loss though, the Sooners were allowed to stay up late and play NFL Blitz.
19. Virginia Tech
In classic ACC fashion, the Hokies beat Pitt 19-9 behind 315 yards of total offense. It was a difficult loss for the Panthers who are, after all, the most glorious team in all the land.
The Huskies kept up with Oregon for much of the game, but they faded in the fourth quarter and lost 45-24. Even worse, the Huskies will have to navigate a couple time travel paradoxes before they are able to practice this week.
21. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys took the week off to show their appreciation to Sports Illustrated. They play TCU on Saturday.
In an example of who the Gators are, they played excellent defense but could barely muster anything on offense, falling 17-6 to LSU. Will Muschamp did make a nice gesture though, dedicating this stupid fake punt to Les Miles. In what world is it wise to have your punter throw a 25-yard lob into quintuple coverage?
23. Northern Illinois
Despite going 1-15 on 3rd down conversions, the Huskies beat Akron 27-20 to extend their home winning streak to 23 games. This was thanks, at least in part, to the contributions of players named Tommylee and Boomer. Pig Howard, you're on notice.
The Tigers beat “Western Carolina” 62-3, improving to 5-1 this season. Personally, I do not believe Western Carolina exists. I believe they are simply an elaborate hoax designed to give SEC teams bye weeks while making it seem like they have large margins of victory.
The Badgers had no sympathy for Northwestern’s recent success, beating the Wildcats 35-6. Now, a point of order – when discussing a fair catch in the past tense, should it be “fair caught” or “fair catched?”
Also receiving votes: The Old Brass Spittoon, Neyland Stadium inside things, this Rutgers fake field goal, Warren Moon, Hope Solo, Mitt Romney, Lane Kiffin, eyebrow guards, Mark Teixeira’s understanding of college football, tough times in Fayetteville, this guy, and this guy,scoring the most points in PAC-12 history, trucking a referee, eight ranked SEC teams.
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