College Football Top 25, Featuring Cool Guy Chip Kelly

  • Dan Spritz

Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Enjoy!

1.        Alabama (60)
The Crimson Tide stayed undefeated, but they needed a touchdown catch from T.J. Yeldon in the last minute to beat LSU 21-17 in Death Valley. Alabama gave up their first touchdown to LSU since 2010, causing Nick Saban to declare that no defensive player will be allowed to sleep with a pillow this week.

2.        Oregon
The Ducks beat USC 62-51, the most points the Trojans have ever surrendered, thanks to 321 yards and five touchdowns from Kenjon Barner. That should have been expected, though, because they were actually wearing armor.

3.         Kansas State

Despite losing Collin Klein for the game (and possibly longer) in the third quarter, the Wildcats beat Oklahoma State 44-30. The Cowboys know something about losing quarterbacks, with Wes Lunt leaving in the third quarter of this game and J.W. Walsh, whose name makes him sound like an oil baron, getting knocked out for the season earlier in the year. Walsh was initially only expected to miss a couple games, but he got in a scuffle regarding land deeds and further aggravated his injury.

4.         Notre Dame

They struggled all game, but the Fighting Irish eventually defeated Pittsburgh 29-26 in triple overtime. Who better to defeat a gaggle of vampires than America’s preeminent Catholic university?

5.         Ohio State (tie)

Showing his typical versatility, Braxton Miller passed for two touchdowns and ran for a third as the Buckeyes beat Illinois 52-22. Despite their bowl ban, Ohio State has the best record in the country (10-0), while Indiana (4-5) still controls their Rose Bowl destiny. So yes, college football is broken.

5.         Georgia (tie)

The Bulldogs continued to enjoy their schedule, beating up on Ole Miss 37-10. They haven’t had to play SEC West titans LSU or Alabama either of the last two years. Now, here’s list of things Georgia may or may not have done for this schedule: sold Mark Richt’s soul to the devil (it’s in his contract), threatened to leave the conference, deciphered Les Miles’ thoughts, acquired compromising photos of Nick Saban, lucked out in a fundamentally uneven system where equality is sacrificed for the sake of money.

7.         Florida

The Gators struggled offensively against Missouri, forcing James Franklin into four interceptions and emerging with a 14-7 win. As a result, Will Muschamp won’t let his players vote this week. He wasn’t planning on voting himself anyway, because he doesn’t think either candidate is tough enough on line play.

8.         Florida State

The Seminoles decided to take the week off, but they didn’t give a reason. Passed by in national relevance or not, FSU does what it wants.

9.         LSU

Despite looking strong all game, the Tigers simply could not hold off Alabama, falling 21-17.  After the game, Les Miles said, “It’s not my job to beat Alabama, it’s my job to beat all the teams,” leaving before anyone could ask a follow-up question.

10.      Clemson

Tajh Boyd threw for 344 yards and 5 touchdowns, as the Tigers beat Duke 56-20. The rest of the ACC is putting the Blue Devils in their place just in time for basketball season, which seems like it should be the way things happen every year.

11.      Louisville

Behind five Teddy Bridgewater touchdown passes, the Cardinals thumped Temple 45-17. “He just played so Charlie Strong,” said head coach Charlie Strong, looking teary-eyed at his Country Strong poster.

12.      South Carolina

The Gamecocks had this week off, and they play Arkansas and Wofford the next two Saturdays, so they’ve been trying out some new pie recipes for Thanksgiving. QB Connor Shaw makes a mean sweet potato pie.

13.      Oregon State

Cody Vaz got the start at quarterback over Sean Mannion, leading the Beavers to a 36-26 win over Arizona State. He looks like he might be the starter to stay, so send in all of your best “Vaz Deferens” jokes.

14.      Oklahoma

The Sooners beat Iowa State 35-20 thanks to four touchdown passes from Landry Jones. That’s Big Game Bob for you, always winning noon games in Ames.

15.      Texas A&M

Thanks to Johnny Manziel doing Johnny Football things, the Aggies beat Mississippi State 38-13. The teams woreblack and white jerseys, respectively, making this another one of those old “allegory for good and evil” games.

16.      Stanford

The Cardinal beat Colorado 48-0, dominating them in almost every aspect of the game. The Pac-12 experiment is not going well for the Buffaloes, but when they tried to get out of this game by explaining that Boulder is nowhere near the Pacific, Stanford coach David Shaw is believed to have yelled, “Global warming, bitch!” although this is not confirmed.

17.      UCLA

The Bruins embarrassed previously-ranked Arizona 66-10 thanks in large part to Johnathan Franklin, who became the school’s career rushing leader. Franklin passed Gaston Green, who played on some great mid-80s UCLA squads with Jafar Thompson, Maleficent Walsh, and Jimmy Medusa.

18.      Nebraska

Taylor Martinez, who led the Cornhuskers in passing and rushing, threw a TD pass with six seconds to go to secure a 28-24 win over Michigan State and freedom from Bo Pelini’s threat to go on one screaming rampage for every Martinez incompletion in the event of a loss.

19.      Texas (tie)

Behind three David Ash touchdown passes, the Longhorns beat Texas Tech 31-22. Mack Brown attributed the win to the contract he recently signed to do a podcast with local musicians.

19.      Louisiana Tech (tie)

In a game that had 28 penalties for 288 yards, the Bulldogs beat UTSA 51-27. Hey, in a game featuring a team called the Roadrunners, what would you expect but cartoonish numbers?

21.      USC

The Trojans surrendered 730 yards to Oregon, falling 62-51. Even worse, no one wants to see Star Wars: Episode VII with Lane Kiffin.

22.      Mississippi State

The Bulldogs were completely overmatched against Texas A&M, falling 38-13. Asked about his team’s performance, Dan Mullen said, “We have a lot to work on, but I need to do some thinking to figure out exactly what we need to do.” Then, everyone gave him the nickname “Mullin’ Mullen” ad congratulated themselves on their creativity.

23.      Toledo
The Rockets earned their first ranking since 2001, because Ohio is a super-important state right now, guys. They play Ball State Tuesday night.

24.      Rutgers

The Scarlet Knights had a week off, which was fortuitous, because New Jersey is not in good shape. If you can do anything to help, please do. They play Army Saturday.

25.      Texas Tech

Despite a solid game from Seth Doege, the Red Raiders fell to Texas 31-22. After the game, a possibly-insane Tommy Tuberville said, “We would have won too, if it wasn’t for that meddling Red Raider Network.”

Also receiving votes: Lolo Jones, Lee Corso’s continued pandering to celebrity pickers, this, Hailing State, Collin Klein’s first kiss, Nick Saban in heels, Chris Christie, that super-effective play a 5-year-old could think up, Eddie George referring to “Old Miss,” almost running trick plays effectively.

Getty photo, by Stephen Dunn