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Somehow, This “Johnny Football Shouldn’t Have Won The Heisman” Column Was Posted The Day Before April Fools’ Day

  • Matt Rudnitsky

We try not to go overboard on posting awful columns on “hot topics,” because most are just unsupported, contrarian takes but not inflammatory enough to be worthy of drawing attention. But occasionally, a column is so awful that we just can’t keep our mouths shut. Take this one, posted yesterday, the day before April Fools’ day. Now, I realize there’s a slight possibility this could be an April Fools’ joke, but the author first tweeted the link on March 31, it’s on the Orlando Sentinel website, and it appears to be a real man’s real opinion.

I’m sorry to present you with this drivel, but sometimes drivel must be cleaned up. Here is the column; tell me your face didn’t contort into unreasonable configurations and you didn’t snort or shed tears of puke.

The Heisman Trophy honors some of the best young men that college football has to offer.

Sure. Nice lede, man.

Men whose actions on and off the field exemplified integrity, diligence, hard work and perseverance.

Well, it’s the most outstanding player in college football, but yeah, that’s often true too. Cool, man. Two sentences in and I’m not even angry yet.

Men whose painted portraits have hung in the hallowed halls for close to a century and represent what is supposed to be right about college football. Johnny Manziel’s portrait hangs there as well, but lately it appears more like it was taken with Instagram.

What does that mean? I doubt his portrait was taken with Instagram. And Instagram makes pictures look better. Is this a joke? Is the author an ironic hipster trolling my generation’s favorite social photo sharing mobile application?

This is a joke (I think) that doesn’t make sense, isn’t funny, and is trying to argue something that is wrong. I think he’s saying that people who use Instagram are hoodlums, or something. If that was the case, our jails would be overflowing with spoiled suburban middle-schoolers.

Because of that Heisman Trophy, Johnny Manziel has a problem.

Actually, it’s his alter-ego — Johnny Football — that appears to have the issue.

Like a modern day Jekyll and Hyde, the Texas A&M quarterback has found himself justifying the off-the-field actions created by his on-the-field persona. A persona living a rock-star lifestyle in the body of a 20-year-old college student.

Johnny Football has a catchy nickname which is a problem because he’s a 20-year-old college student that likes to party. That is a problem because problems are things that make sense and don’t need to be solved. They teach that in math classes, and Johnny Football would know that if he wasn’t so busy having fun after hours!!!

After the offseason that Manziel has had, the Heisman Trust should rethink giving the award to a first-year player again.

Johnny Football deserves Heisman, wins Heisman. Parties at night and has pictures taken sometimes. Tweets sometimes. Leaves Twitter. Ipso facto, he doesn’t deserve his award. Logic.


The pictures tell the story. There’s the ones of him at a club with friends, or courtside at an NBA game, or dressed up as Scooby-Doo next to scantily clad coeds, or the ones where he is enjoying spring break on the sandy beaches of Cabo.

The proof is in the pictures! You may find them on Instagram. Some filtered, Johnny looking good, some even #nofilter. There are pictures of a college student at a club, with friends! You probably don’t even believe that, but this man has the scoop. Manziel even went on Spring Break… in college! He even dressed up as SCOOBY DOO for Halloween! And he posed next to “scantily clad coeds” at a college Halloween party!

Sometimes, hot sports takes are so hot, you won’t even believe them. But that’s why we pay these columnists the big bucks, to find out the harsh truths behind the athletes we worship.

Note to author, Matt Murschel: I was a 20-year-old college student one year ago. There are pictures of me at clubs with friends. There aren’t pictures of me courtside at an NBA game, but only because I can’t afford that. There are pictures of me dressed up as Thomas the Tank Engine posing next to girls wearing revealing costumes. There are also pictures of me enjoying Spring Break in Mexico. All of my friends have identical pictures.

It wasn’t until the weeks leading up to the Heisman ceremony that Sumlin relented, giving his star player the opportunity to speak for himself. By then, the train had already left the station and Manziel won the award based mostly on the gaudy stats that he had put up during his first season in the SEC.

Did you know: Manziel only won the award for the nation’s most outstanding player mostly because he had outstanding statistics?

Hopefully in the future, Heisman voters will carefully consider the media savvy and maturity of a candidate along with their on the field achievements.

Hopefully in the future, Heisman trophies will not be awarded based on on-field performance, they will be based purely on age and media savvy. Media savvy means you don’t use Instagram or Twitter and do not pose in photographs with acquaintances doing common activities. Brandon Weeden wins all future Heisman trophies (because he’s old).

That was either the greatest April Fools’ column of all time, or the absolute dumbest column I have ever read. Ridiculous thesis + zero supporting evidence = Confused SportsGrid. Keep being you, Sir Football.