Let’s Troll The 25 Schools With College Football’s ‘Most Engaged Fans’

  • Eric Goldschein

auburn fans

As a University of Pittsburgh alum, I get pretty sick of college football Saturday lineups, not to mention the 24-hour coverage on the myriad of major sports networks ESPN, almost all of which is dedicated to a select group of universities. Did everybody in the United States attend an SEC or Big 10 school?

Look, I get it. The nation’s best programs are in the powerhouse conferences, and those (usually) make for the best games. Plus, Michigan State and Florida and USC and Alabama have something like 60 bajillion alumni, and they want to watch their teams play.

But when I saw this list of college football’s “Most Engaged Fans,” I just about lost it. Here are the criteria:

-Average total attendance, all games (5)
-Average home attendance (10)
-Average ticket price, all games (5)
-Average home game ticket price (10)
-Percentage of stadium capacity filled at home games (10)
-Facebook likes & Facebook “talking about” (6)
-Twitter following (3)

The only one of those that makes sense is “Percentage of stadium capacity filled.” Everything else just means “your school is very big” or “your school charges a lot for tickets” or “your students are nerds who ‘Like’ their school’s Facebook page.” Give me a break.

These schools have the most engaged fans? Fine. Let’s take them down a peg and remind them: At the end of the day, most of the value you take from your school derives from watching big jock morons smash into each other for an hour each week. You see Harvard on this list? Exactly.

1. Michigan
Is this a joke? Michigan lost to Appalachian State, in the Big House. They’ll never, ever live that down. Was there an ugly convention that morning that the student body had to attend? (Sorry, @Mattrud.)

2. LSU
You guys are basically French. Geaux Tigers? Fuck outta here.

3. Alabama
By “engaged” do you mean “put our nuts on people’s faces“? Because that’s what I’m seeing. Also, your uniforms are boring as shit.

4. Ohio State
Your coach is an asshole, and so is the guy who coached before him. Remember, by “asshole” I not only mean “the hole in your ass” but also “liar who either covered up recruiting violations or snitched on them after already leaving the school.”

5. Texas A&M
Texas residents make up 86 percent of the student body at A&M. You know what that means, don’t you?

(They’re stupid.)

6. Nebraska
Go Big 12! Oh, wait, you’re in the Big 10 now? Because you wanted more money? I have so much respect for you. You once had a coach named “Dana Xenophon Bible.” Seriously.

7. Oklahoma
You guys look like the Big 12 version of Alabama — except not nearly as good. How’s Sam Bradford working out in the NFL these days? Oh, he’s an overpaid pile of garbage? Thought so.

8. Texas
Vince Young. That is all.

9. Georgia
The only championships you have are “claimed.” And the 1980 title belongs to Pitt, because Marino > everything.

10. Florida

11. Penn State
You know what, you guys really are engaged. Super engaged. So engaged, in fact, that you OVERLOOKED A GUY MOLESTING CHILDREN. (Sorry, @theZachBerger.)

12. South Carolina
In a fight between anyone from South Carolina and this guy, I’m taking the guy. Visors suck. Also, Gamecocks, what the fuck?

13. Iowa
Iowa? I know they have a good writing program, and corn. That’s about it.

14. USC

15. Oregon
If it wasn’t for Phil Knight you wouldn’t be shit. Let me get your cheerleaders’ numbers though?

16. Michigan State
Everyone knows that basketball rules at MSU. Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg because he wore sweatpants to the club. Over and out.

17. Tennessee
Let’s talk about your coaches since 2009: Lane Kiffin (ha), three losing seasons from Derek Dooley (haha) and now a guy named Butch. From Cincinnati. Cool administration bro.

Like I’m supposed to be scared of a bunch of drunk Badgers? The only reason teams lose on the road to UW is because it’s cold as shit in Wisconsin. Move out of the super-north and see how you do.

19. Auburn
Cam Newton made you guys relevant for one season. Since then? …Hello? Anybody there?

20. Clemson
If you call this engaged, then sure, Clemson is engaged. I call it being a damn baby but, hey, to each their own.

21. West Virginia
Well well well! If it isn’t Incest University! I kid, West Virginia, you’re a fine state with a fine history of fucking your sister. Sorry, sorry, that’s too much. Remember when you almost went to the national championship but then lost to Pitt 13-9? That was hilarious.

22. Florida State
You guys are as bad as the Redskins. Change your name already, then maybe we’ll talk about you.

23. Missouri
Blaine Gabbert. Sucks. You’re also like the 48th team to be called the Tigers. Can you get even a little bit original? Thanks.

24. Arkansas
Another school with an excellent recent history of coaching hires. From Bobby “I’m Bangin’ The 25-Year-Old I Hired” Petrino to John L. Smith (also known as SMILE!!!!!), I’m not sure we can take you guys seriously until roughly 2038.

25. Virginia Tech
When people tell me that VT football is popular, I honestly think they’re kidding.

[BI Sports]

Photo via Getty