Nick Saban Is Hoppin’ Mad Because Reporters Praised His Awesome Team

  • Glenn Davis

Man, Alabama is awesome. You see how the Crimson Tide steamrolled Michigan last weekend, rolling over them 41-14 in a win so dominant it allowed them to pass USC for the top spot in the AP poll despite USC trampling Hawaii 49-10 in its opener? Bama’s the team to beat in all the land, no question. They just keep churning out NFL talent on both sides of the ball, and winning tons of games while they’re at it. Awesome.

The next opponent for the awesome Crimson Tide to vanquish (and vanquish them they will, because again, they’re just that good): Western Kentucky. It’s Alabama’s home opener – and don’t you just envy those fans, with an opportunity to see such a great team that will undoubtedly win because they’re better than everyone? Alabama’s currently knee-deep in preparation for that game, and yesterday, they apparently decided not to be awesome for once and had a lackluster practice.

Not like it’ll matter – they’re so awesome they’ll recover easily and best the overmatched Hilltoppers with their all-conquering awesomeness (note to Alabama players: at no point should you forget just how awesome you are and just how easily you will win everything, no matter what your coach might say), but Nick Saban still wasn’t pleased, that little devil! And the first thing he saw after leaving the field in his agitated state: a group of reporters gathered for a post-practice press conference. You know what that means:

What’s fun is to watch the gears turn in Saban’s head as he realizes how ridiculous he sounds. He harangues the reporters for daring not to say exactly what he wants about his (awesome) team (that will win every game without working hard and listening to its head coach), as if the sole reason they exist is to help his team… then, he catches himself basically saying that. Then, it’s “I’m just giving you my opinion, I respect what y’all do, I understand you’re not here to promote our program,” despite him having spent the last two full minutes delivering a monologue conveying the exact opposite, dripping with sanctimony that might give even Aaron Sorkin pause.

And his little sign-off line – “I didn’t mean to intimidate y’all today – just had to take it out on somebody.” Well – okay, that was actually kind of funny and displayed more self-awareness about his own personality than Saban generally exhibits. Still, one good line can’t erase the rest of that condescending lecture – especially when you know Saban will have another one ready for reporters the next time they – and his team – doesn’t do exactly what he wants it to do.

Because Nick Saban, more often than not, gets what he wants, which is to have complete control over every (football-related, at least) situation he encounters, and win football games. He is very, very good at doing both of those things. But they do not mean the world revolves around him, as much as he would clearly like it to.

No, what the world does revolve around is Saban’s awesome football team, which – we can’t emphasize it enough – will win every game easily no matter how good the opponent is, meaning the only thing anyone should ever talk about is his team and how awesome it is and how good they should all think they are and how much they should brag about it and defy any authority figure who tries to tell them otherwise. They’re the story. They are the only story. They are all that matters in this world.

[CBS Sports]