Shut Up, Urban Meyer

  • Matt Rudnitsky

Welcome to SportsGrid’s new Thursday feature, “Shut Up,” (pronounced: “shut up… comma”) where we add a name after the comma, telling that person to stop saying words, because they’re being stupid. Last week, we decided to tell a country to shut up about porn, by saying: Shut up, the United Kingdom. This week, we say: Shut up, Urban Meyer.

Urban Meyer suspended a guy that was acquitted of a crime, so we should all forget that he is a horrible person who should not be allowed around maturing young men, because we all were zapped by those Men In Black things that erase your memory. We should leave him and his field of murderers players to run about on a field of grass, winning him games and salary increases.

Wait, let’s not. Let’s tell him to shut up, because he’s being an asshead.

This isn’t about Aaron Hernandez. Regardless of Urban’s soullessness, he should not take any heat for a player becoming an alleged murderer (unless he’s the real murderer covering for Aaron, as I’ve suspected all along!). It’s also not about the 31 arrests of his Florida players during his time there, or the many post-college arrests of his players. These things don’t make Urban look good, but they’re complicated. The point is: nothing makes Urban look good. I don’t mean that the man can’t rock a polo (look at that swag!); I mean that his personality is hideous. Urban Meyer is an asstwat. When combined, “ass” and “twat” almost sufficiently describe his soulless personality. Actually, let’s add “penis” in there. He’s a “penasstwat.” We’re getting closer.

Urban Meyer needs to shut up every day. He should wake up, have a glass of water, and puncture his vocal cords with a fork. But for this Carlos Hyde situation, he needs to shut up even more than usual, because he’s trying to use this as evidence of being a good person. This is the first shred of such evidence, and it’s bullshit. Making a PR move that has zero football consequences does not prove “tough love” or “possession of a soul.” In a vacuum, this is probably the right move. In a vacuum, I applaud Urban for suspending Carlos Hyde for either trying to or actually hitting a woman, even though the charges were dropped. If we were at a Dyson factory, I’d vote Urban Meyer as most-valuable vacuum-maker (MVVM). But we’re not. We’re in the football world, the same football world where he’s continually proven his dickliness, denied his dickliness, all while compounding his penasstwatliness.

You suspended your starting running back against Buffalo, San Diego State and Cal, you foolish man. You’re going to be favored by about seven touchdowns in each game. Congrats! You reduce the wear on Hyde’s legs, give him a nice warmup vs. Florida A&M, and then he’s ready to go for Wisconsin!

Urban Meyer’s a changed man, you say? He made one sort-of-commendable decision! Urban Meyer walks by Buckeye Stadium every morning, kicks that homless man who asks him for a dollar, but today, reporters were watching, and he said he didn’t have a dollar on him, but smiled at Mr. Homeless Buckeye and told him he had a nice face. All is forgiven.

The tone of this article may lend you to think I’m not serious, but there is a laundry list of reasons for Urban Meyer to shut up. Unless you have 75 washing machines, you’ll need to do 75 loads in your one machine to clean up this filth. And in life, you can’t just put your transgressions in a washing machine.

The “Here’s Why Urban Should Shut The Front Door” List

1) His face!

2) He recruited Aaron Hernandez and suspended him for just one game in three years at Florida.

3) He recruited Tim Tebow, and therefore is directly responsible for Tebowmania.

4) His running back at Florida, Chris Rainey, got a stalking misdemeanor for texting a woman, “it’s “time to die, bitch.”

Rainey returned to practice a month later, presumably to: Hey, Chris! Good to have you back. Last month we managed without you, but if you’re texting girls you’re stalking, please say, “it might be time to cease existence, please, whore.” Your verbiage was a minor issue last time.

5) He tried to snitch on his old school, and it didn’t even work! Lying, uneffective snitches are the worst.

6) He prompted fellow penis, Lane Kiffin, to say this:

“I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn’t get him.”

Usually it works, though. Which is why he sucks so much.

7) He’s a thief, and thiefs are bad.

8) He thinks gentleman’s agreements are nonsense, and therefore he is not a gentlemen.

9) He’s a liar!

10) He used to neglect his family (And probably still does.)

11) He once quit for a day, then came back.

12) He once quit for a year, and then came back.

13) He’s a quitter, but he can’t even quit right.

14) He had heart problems from losing the 2009 SEC Title game. Calm down, bro.

15) He always gets a top recruiting class, which means he’s a cheater.

16) He once said “good luck” to a prospective recruit, which is a recruiting violation, which is one of the greatest sins of mankind.

17) He made up a fake conversation between Michigan coaches trying to convince a recruit to sign with Florida.

18) At Ohio State, he told a recruit not to go to Florida because of “significant character issues in the locker room,” issues that he fostered.

19) He said that Aaron Hernandez (remember him?), Percy Harvin and Brandon Spikes were “injured” when they were sitting out, per university policy, for smoking weed.

20) His stupid face would make a great heavy bag.

21) His players at Florida didn’t respect him, because they weren’t idiots.

22) He had Tim Tebow call a recruit once. He made Tim Tebow break the rules, clearly an act of the devil.

23) He told Jevan Snead that he was the only QB Florida was recruiting, and that he only wanted Tim Tebow at linebacker. (If only this had been true.)

24) Meyer forced an injured player, Bryan Thomas, off his team, and Thomas had these accurate things to say:

Thomas may be the only player who will publicly speak out against Meyer. Many others are fearful of Meyer’s ability to hurt their NFL prospects. Every other player contacted for this story asked to be unidentified.

“As far as coaching, there’s no one else like (Meyer); he’s a great coach,” Thomas said. “He gets players to do things you never thought you could do. But he’s a bad person. He’ll win at Ohio State. But if he doesn’t change, they’re going to have the same problems.”

25) I have merely scratched the surface of his wrongdoings. And have I mentioned his face?

So, I say, without any due respect: shut up, Urban Meyer.

Urban photo via, photoshopped by our team of world-renowned artists