World, Meet The Instrument Of Your Destruction: Johnny Manziel’s Agent And Top Notch Marketing Crew

  • Jake O'Donnell

johnny football lebron agentOk, so if you actually believed him when he told ESPN’s Brett McMurphy he hadn’t decided the fate of his college playing career — in spite of logic or the sale of his parents’ house or that bikini model he hooked up with or his prophesied, inevitable arrival into the professional spotlight — I’ve got a bridge I’d like to sell you… (I picked it up off Craigslist and I’ve barely used it. ***WORKS LIKE NEW!!!!)

Seriously, you’re an idiot if you thought he was staying. Last night he was doing the Seminole chop (what more do you need). Your democratically guaranteed right to vote has been revoked. Go to sleep.

[ESPN] Multiple sources tell ESPN’s Darren Rovell that Manziel has chosen Select Sports Group out of Houston to be his contract agency and LRMR, the firm run by LeBron James’ business partner Maverick Carter, to do his marketing. It is unclear whether he has signed a deal with either firm. Calls placed to SSG and Carter were not immediately returned.

Why LeBron’s guy? Because the top tier of professional athletes on Earth live together on a giant Victorian era blimp, and only deal amongst themselves. It’s like the illuminati, but they’re more influential and there are exponentially more hot tubs.

Manziel told Dan Patrick last year how much he loves LBJ and respects how he’s handled himself off the court and criticism and waa waa waa I’m Johnny Manziel and LeBron is my friend because we’re soooo persecuted FOR BEING AWESOME! Ugh.

[ESPN] “Everyone was coming after me, and there was so much criticism,” Manziel said [criticism regarding literally everything he does]. “I feel like LeBron deals with that every single day of his life.”

What does this all mean? Nothing particularly interesting, except for that fact that A) He’s done with A&M, and B) He’s going to be in every Chunky Soup ad for the next 20 years. Maybe he’ll have to put on old person make up. Was that Pepsi who did those weird/cool commercials with old Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love? Manziel’ll probably do those…

[Forbes] He has solidified relationships with major corporations, including Nike, Coca-Cola, McDonald’s and State Farm, and will use those relationships, along with others, to continue to enhance the Johnny Football brand.

Oh, sorry, didn’t know you were already with Coke, Mr. Manziel. Our bad (even though their commercials kinda suck). Well, whatever commercials he ends up being in, one thing is definitely for sure: The era of Johnny Manziel is at least going to be an interesting, 24/7 barrage of Papa John’s ads.