10 Of Conan O’Brien’s Most Epic Quotes From The NFL Honors Show
Saturday night the NFL honored the winners of their major end-of-the-year awards at the NFL Honors Show; a self-important television showcase of NFL players who aren't in the Super Bowl.
There is a particular ridiculousness to the handing out of awards to all of the NFL's losers the night before the Lombardi Trophy is awarded to the actual winners of the NFL. Putting that aside for the moment though, Conan O'Brien did an absolutely superb job with his nearly 11-minute opening monologue.
O'Brien nailed it, punctuating his more controversial and hot button jokes with comfortable ones aimed at obvious easy targets like the Browns, Raiders and Peyton Manning's retirement. Since the NFL won't allow the YouTube video of the monologue to be shared in blogs, here are Conan's 10 best quotes of the night.
1) OPENING LINE: "For those of you not familiar with this show, winning an NFL honor is like winning an Oscar...if the Oscars nominated black people."
Cue shot of famous white dude in the audience laughing but also not too hard because he feels awkward but also isn't humorless: Hi Aaron Paul!
2) "Tonight's show is being produced by the Cincinnati Bengals. So we're going to start out strong and then completely unravel in the last two minutes."
And here's a shot of a smiling and incredibly handsome Antonio Brown, a sworn enemy of the Bengals:
He really liked that joke, and I don't blame him. Ahem, PACMAN....
3) "Speaking of kickers, the New England Patriots lost in the playoffs because Stephen Gostkowski missed his first extra point in nine years. Rough. Lucky for him, no city is more forgiving...than Boston."
4) "Here's another big change for next season, the NFL is going to play a game in Mexico City. Yeah. No I think it will very interesting to see two NFL teams...go missing."
You're laughing because it's true, Drew. You're laughing because it's true.
5) "Actually there are rumors that the Raiders might relocate to Las Vegas. Although a lot of fans are worried it might tarnish the reputation...of Las Vegas."
There were a few other great Raiders jabs, but that one was a personal fave. The Raiders are a disaster and should be treated as such by everyone that is ready and willing until they get their shit together and their owner fixes that haircut that makes Donald Trump look like a hair model.
6) "By the way it's been reported that drones, drones have been banned from the Super Bowl tomorrow. No drones tomorrow at the Super Bowl, yeah. So I guess Cris Collinsworth won't be there."
There are only a few people in the world that will truly understand how very much I love this joke. I love it so much I may print it on an oversized canvas and hang it on a wall in my house like a tapestry. Joe Buck apparently does not feel the same way.
7) "Bill Belichick recently showed up to a press conference with a black eye. No one knows where it came from, but the list of suspects has been narrowed down to anyone who has spent time with Bill Belichick."
Oh, and you better believe they held onto this shot of Rex Ryan for an uncomfortably long time.
Of course the audience lapped it up. Because what's funnier than a perennial loser who considers his arch enemy to be someone with four Super Bowl rings who doesn't give two shits about him? That's what they're laughing at, right?
8) "Tomorrow's Super Bowl is probably going to be Peyton Manning's last in the NFL. Which means he can really lay his body on the line. Yeah. Don't be surprised if Peyton rushes for two, maybe even three yards!"
Jokes about Peyton's incredible immobility never get old, especially when you are aware the end is near and those jokes will be a thing of the past. Sigh. Fortunately - or sadly, depending upon how you look at it - we will still be left with Eli Manning's complete and utter awkwardness at all times.
9) "The Miami Dolphins have a new head coach, the former Bears offensive coordinator Adam Gase. Apparently the 6-10 Dolphins want to capture some of the magic that helped the Bears go 6-10.
Yes, that's a great joke. And no, Ditka didn't laugh. You don't need a screen shot, just trust me.
10) "And finally, New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick will be played by Emporor Palpatine."
This joke was made as part of Conan's casting of people to play NFL stars in a fake made-for-TV movie about the league. The joke isn't an entirely original one, as funny as it is. What made it so epic in this case was the shot of Robert Kraft's reaction, in which he appears to say "That's him."
You can watch the entire video here. This is the very last joke, if you want to skip to see Kraft's reaction yourself.
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