11 Things Chip Kelly Will Do On His First Day As 49ers’ Head Coach
Jake ODonnell 03:38 pm, January 14th, 2016
Now that the San Francisco 49ers have replaced legendary football god and part-time calzone repairman Jim Tomsula with former University of Oregon head coach Chip Kelly, Niner fans can finally begin looking toward next season.
Which free agents will they sign? Who will be the starting quarterback on opening day? How will the offense look? Will he throw away all the weird stuff Jim Tomsula left behind in his office? The fate of the franchise is now officially in the hands of one Charles "Chip" Kelly. Below are 11 things we expect him to do on his first day on the job, based on his three-year stint with the Philadelphia Eagles.
11) Febreze Tomsula's old desk chair, then put up his Marcus Mariota posters, obviously.
10) Usher in a new era of transparency by installing a glass door on the room he'll use to trade away the team's remaining talent for guys who played at Oregon.
9) Inspire team's middling secondary to play like All-Pros by paying them like All-Pros.
Byron maxwell is so bad there are 4th string rbs catching passes on him. 40 million dollar contract...... what a joke — Jacob stark (@jstarkbro) December 21, 2015
8) Surgically lengthening one leg and implanting a hump in the back of defensive coordinator Eric Mangini, suggesting he refer to Kelly as "Sire" whilst following him around all day, drooling.
7) Sit down with Colin Kaepernick to figure out how the two can best hate each other next season.
6) Carefully detail his personnel strategy in a public statement, which involves something, don't worry about it, he's in charge, no more questions, leave.
5) Replace all seating in press room with medieval, spiked "Confession Chairs."
4) Assert his dominance with ritualistic sacrifice of Joe Montana, Dwight Clark, at Fisherman's Wharf.
3) Exchange the franchise's five Lombardi trophies on display for a more expensive, fragile Waterford Crystal collection.
2) Implement a revolutionary offensive system that defenses have already figured out.
1) Use his signature charm to win the trust and respect of the 49ers' locker room leaders.
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