18 Reasons People Hate The New England Patriots
Thursday night's lopsided Patriots' win over the Pittsburgh Steelers reminded most non-Patriots fans -- which includes most of the visible universe -- just how much we can't stand that team. UGHHH, THEY'RE ALWAYS SO GOOD! I'm 29, so for the better part of my life that team has been dominating a sport I happen to enjoy watching, which has felt like a decade-plus of watching Christian Slater consistently accept Academy Awards. (READ: I don't really think they deserve ALL of the success they've had.)
What can I say, some things you harbor an irrational level of resentment towards, and I'm not alone in this. The Patriots do that for a lot of people. That's the price of being on top. We're mostly jealous that our teams give un intermittent moments of joy, as opposed to 15 years of playoff football...but there's definitely more to it than just Super Bowl envy.
Below are 18 other reasons why people hate the New England Patriots...
18) Tom Brady's glistening white smile reflects painful beams of light that can induce migraines.
17) Team is named after a group of people who fought against foreign imperialism, yet they're the only franchise in American sports greedy enough to claim five states they don't even play in.
16) Made Roger Goodell look like a decent commissioner for about two weeks.
15) Always have the best lawyers.
14) Jealous of their fans' ability to compartmentalize incriminating news about cheating.
13) Refuse to give a heads up so that we can spend the proper amount of time photoshopping latest controversy into Pats logo.
— Romos Cowboys (@DEMBOYS60) September 10, 2015
12) Robert Kraft's entitled dress shirts think they can be blue and white.
11) Belichick often runs up the score in blowouts by leaving in dominant second unit.
10) Forces opposing fans to travel to Foxboro, Massachusetts.
9) Condescending look on mascot's face connotes he thinks he's better than us just because he "saved America from tyranny."
8) Because this exists...
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) September 7, 2015
7) Have a long history of killing Dolphins for sport.
6) Frequently use unflattering "Dutch tilt" angle when capturing opposing team's signal calling, which makes everyone look unnecessarily bloated.
5) Belichick's dour, effusive, monotone press conferences trigger painful memories for people who've been imprisoned by a serial killer.
4) They never steal anything cool.
3) Are responsible for Eli Manning having two Super Bowl MVP trophies.
2) Throw innocent team equipment managers under the bus minutes before game time with bag of regulation game balls and pump, out of view of security cameras.
1) Robert Kraft, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady hog all the juicy details about the sordid shit they do behind the scenes.
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