21 Reasons The Raiders Should Move To Las Vegas
Now that we know the Oakland Raiders are almost certainly headed to Sin City, it's time to start imagining what that will look like. Obviously, a wave of sadness will wash over those of you who live in Northern California, but we promise you'll be really happy Mark Davis gave you an excuse to fly to Las Vegas eight times a year. But in the event you're looking at the team's third relocation in 30 years like it was a flaming shot of Dr. Pepper and Bacardi, here's a list of 21 reasons as to why you should go ahead and swig it down.
21) Fan base gets upgrade, as douchey tech bros are replaced with thousands of Randy Quaids from the "Vacation" movies.
20) Leaving bone-dry California for Nevada means players will finally be allowed to shower after both games and practices, as opposed to "running in the ocean real quick."
— Drought Monkey (@DroughtMonkey) October 4, 2016
19) Players get opportunity for easy laughs by referring to the locker room as "backstage" in interviews.
— Jeff scheid (@JeffScheid) August 19, 2013
18) Move from a Democratic stronghold to a swing state means Raiders players gain exponentially more political power.
Clinton 43% (+2)
— Political Polls (@Politics_Polls) October 16, 2016
17) Go from being fifth best group of athletes in Bay Area to most athletic entertainment in town with clothes on.
— Taylor (@twills1234) June 16, 2013
16) Raiders can benefit from the fact that 95% of people walking around the city are willing to give moral-boosting high-fives, regardless of how well the team played -- other 5% look really really sad, which also helps, because damn, glad I'm not that guy.
— Maxime Dupaul (@MaximeDupaul) June 23, 2015
15) Always a good chance the other team doesn't show up on Sunday.
Got drunk in Vegas, ended up in the Mushroom Kingdom pic.twitter.com/jFxkEIkA14
— Felicia Capcome (@FeliciaCapcome) September 30, 2016
14) Poor ground game can beef up with practice weaving in and out of aggressively drunk bachelorette party mobs.
— ExtraTV (@extratv) July 31, 2016
13) Ill-fated commitments to massively overpaid free agents can now be consecrated by a more appropriate figure: an ordained miniature Elvis standing at a drive-through window.
— John Morris (@johnnymocurler) January 19, 2016
12) Owner Mark Davis gains unabated access to casino mogul Sheldon Adelson's hairstylist.
Mark Davis, Sheldon Adelson plan Raiders stadium in Vegas at court-ordered "Grotesque Haircut Support Group" meeting pic.twitter.com/4jlmp7HAAl
— Jake O'Donnell (@_JakeODonnell) January 29, 2016
11) Gives the down and out people of Las Vegas somewhere to go on Sunday mornings that doesn't involve God or a judge.
10) Raiders fans get to leave stadium knowing other people won't look at them funny because everyone will assume they're a bachelor party for some spooky gothic wedding.
— The NFL Hotline (@TheNFLHotline) January 20, 2016
9) Guy Fieri gets to see his favorite team in the only city that doesn't collectively cringe when he builds a restaurant there.
— Ross Wendlandt (@RossWetLand) January 8, 2014
8) The UNLV Runnin' Rebels will no longer have to carry the dubious distinction of being Las Vegas' highest-paid football team.
7) Unparalleled access to high-quality strip clubs simplifies Sebastian Janikowski's transition into post-football career as a lapdance tester.
6) Jack Del Rio -- the only man to ever coach in a leather jacket -- gets to live in a place custom-built for guys named "Jack Del Rio" who love leather jackets.
— Brenaldo (@SaintBrendan) January 12, 2013
5) Having spent decades playing on a field bisected by a baseball diamond, the Raiders are only team capable of adapting to a playing surface featuring a 400-foot fountain at mid-field.
4) Vegas' tourist-friendly layout makes it easy for Raiders head coaches to take in entire city before being abruptly fired days into the job.
3) City's escorts get benefit of knowing they aren't the only ones being screwed by a bunch of rich guys who flew in for the weekend.
2) Given their ambitious draft history and risky free agent signings, the Raiders' front office will absolutely love being able to legally gamble after work, as well.
2008 Al Davis signed Javon Walker to a six year, $55M contract, he caught 15 passes for 196 yards in two years and was cut.
— Matt Lorsch (@mlorsche) March 13, 2015
1) Raiders fans, players and coaches will no longer be subjected to ridicule after yet another embarrassing season because what happens there, stays there.
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