28 Things Ben McAdoo Found In Tom Coughlin’s Old Office
Dear HR dept,
As the new head coach of the New York Giants, I humbly request that the contents of my new office be returned to their previous owner, former head coach Thomas Richard Coughlin. I'm not sure if he's planning to come back and pick up what he's left behind, but I'm eager to get to work and I'm afraid to do it myself in the event he walks through the door and sees me touching his stuff. I heard he once caught Kevin Gilbride in there looking for a dry erase marker and the next day, Gilbride showed up at practice noticeably shaken with a bandage covering the area where his mustache used to be.
At your convenience, please send someone down to set the following items aside so that I can begin preparing for the 2016 season.
- Frostbite cream.
- Victor Cruz return timetable advent calendar.
- Takeout menus from, at last count, 29 area "family restaurants."
- Phonograph; extensive collection of General Patton speeches on vinyl.
Jinxed idol coated in blood of 5th century Balkan warlord Artemis Belichick.
- File labeled exotic vacations containing travel pamphlets for places like Saratoga and Hartford.
A burning effigy of a small bail of hay in a green #10 jersey, with a note above it reading "note to player: NOT a DeSean Jackson voodoo doll don't look at it."
Vending machine filled with flavorless gum that only accepts blood, sweat and tears as payment.
Beautifully written thank you note to Riddel, the makers of David Tyree's helmet.
- Unopened copy of "Chicken Soup For The Professional Football Coach Soul."
- Industrial grade superglue and two-and-a-half large human fingers wrapped in gauze on an operating table.
- Tattered copy of "Human Connection For Dummies" with complex equations scribbled in the margins.
- Marble bust of Spiro Agnew.
- Solid block of ice that remains frozen despite the room's temperature.
- A crying, afraid, malnourished Eli Manning in a dirty playpen.
- Coughlin family photo featuring his smiling wife, their four smiling children, eleven smiling grandchildren, and Tom -- who is not facing the camera but instead staring into the ear of his son-in-law Chris Snee. They are not smiling.
- Tiny Syracuse helmet filled with Werther's Originals.
- Twelve-foot-tall, solid gold statue of Mario Manningham basket-catching a small child with Eli Manning's face.
- Mini-fridge stocked with red onions.
- Manila folder labeled "Exotic Vacations" containing travel pamphlets for places like Saratoga, NY, and Hartford, CT.
- Whiteboard listing pros and cons of running out the clock with the lead in the final minute of a football game.
- Runcible spoon adjacent to unpolished slab of granite with the home telephone number of Giants CEO and president John Mara carved into it.
- Bookshelf that opens into dimly lit room with pentagram drawn on floor, at the center of which are Plaxico Burress' bloody sweatpants.
- Forty-eight confiscated Beats headphones.
- Cold-weather face mask still in packaging.
- Scientific diagram of a hug.
- Lugnuts to the front right tire of my Honda Pilot, which mysteriously vanished in Week 16.
- Splash Mountain photo of coach Coughlin sitting two rows behind a terrified looking family. He is pointing directly into the camera. He does not look to be enjoying the ride.
- Another Splash Mountain photo of coach Coughlin, this time alone. He appears to be enjoying the ride.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter and please, whatever you do, do not tell Mr. Coughlin about our correspondence. In fact, burn this memo the moment you're done reading it. He's not in a great place right now and has a lot of time on his hands. I'm pretty sure he does not sleep.
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