38 Things Chip Kelly Found In Jim Tomsula’s Old Office
Dear 49ers HR department,
Upon arriving at my new office, I was shocked to find that it had not been cleaned, nor had any of the contents from the team's previous coach been removed. There was also peanut butter on both sides of the door handle. This is unacceptable.
I have gone through the trouble of cataloging the items found therein, and would like them removed IMMEDIATELY. They are as follows:
- Coaches playbook that has had its contents exchanged for an old copy of "Goodnight Moon."
- Rotary phone shaped like a slice of pizza.
- Sealed envelope containing sad photographs of Pete Carroll sitting in his car.
- Broken meat slicer being used to prop up another, larger meat slicer.
- Commemorative XXL tank-top from ZZ Top's 1983 "Eliminator Tour."
- Presumptive Coach of the Year acceptance speech scribbled in nougat on backside of a Chevy Astro Van owners manual.
- Large, ornate pu-pu platter that almost certainly came from a very nice restaurant.
- Middle-aged ventriloquist dummy wearing a Michigan hat, whistle and no pants.
- Dry erase board diary lamenting team's lack of effort, heart, and the temperature of stadium toilet seats.
- Basketball trashcan with a human turd at the bottom.
- Fully functioning kegerator tapped with a quarter keg of Metamucil.
- Showtime Rotisserie Grill containing a melted George Foreman Grill.
- Tear-stained letter to American Pharaoh, never mailed.
- Plastic bin labeled "swear jar" filled with $687,010 USD.
- Military cell phone from the 1970s signed by R. Lee Ermey.
- Mannequin head adorned with thin gold necklaces of varying lengths.
- Mannequin butt adorned with jockstraps of varying shades.
- "Seabirds of North Jersey" field guide bookmarked at the gulls chapter.
- Easel holding mostly finished oil painting of Alex Smith riding a small horse.
- Doctor's note that says "Jim cannot come to work today because he's wedged between two sports cars in my parking lot."
- Two stray dogs having sex.
- Crude tunnel behind bookshelf connecting his office to the "Wench's Dressing Room" at Medieval Times nearly six miles away.
- Make-shift pillow stuffed with old Football Prospectus magazines.
- Make-shift bed made of Navarro Bowman jerseys.
- Heavily used cardboard cutout of post-retirement Larry Csonka dressed in his American Gladiator blazer. Not sure why but the stray dogs seem to be protective of it.
- No microwave, no toaster oven, yet dozens of discarded Bagel Bites boxes, meaning Tomsula was likely eating them frozen.
- Old Milwaukee beer can pyramid.
- Signed, framed headshot of a young Anne Ramsey.
- Iron Sheik wrestling singlet.
- Jug on bookshelf labeled "meat" next to a Febreeze bottle filled with what appears to be parmesan cheese.
- Sling Blade calendar from 1996...on the wall...with notes.
- Nude rodeo tickets.
- Electric football board arranged with miniature football players meticulously sculpted in store-brand salami.
- Desk drawer full of loose Doritos which mysteriously disappear and refill after anyone leaves the room.
- VHS copy of something called "Jiggles III: Boobs Detective."
- Hand-written copy of script to "Jiggles III: boob Detective."
- "World's Greatest Step-Uncle" mop bucket.
- Strongly worded letter to the editor of Seafood Magazine, which does not exist (we checked).
Please send a stadium custodial employee to the head coach's office as soon as possible, as the smell emanating from the room has made it difficult for the people working in that wing of stadium. An exterminator and/or dog-catcher will also be necessary.
We suspect he may still be living in the vents.
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