5 Fantasy Football Team Name Ideas You Absolutely Can’t Do This Year
Making a funny fantasy team name is important. In fact, if your team name doesn't at least feign humor, it's kind of creepy and makes you seem like you have little voodoo dolls of the other managers in your league. Put in the time to find that perfect blend of a timely football controversy, pop culture reference, absurdity and a clever play on words, and you can finish dead last with dignity. Get it right. Don't be a dumbass. Don't play it safe.
Don't NOT be funny.
Listen, we get it -- that's easier said than done. We also understand that the context of your joke matters, as you undoubtedly play with a bunch of farty guys who have heteronormative sensibilities and penchants for poop jokes. So do we. But there's got to be some level of awareness when it comes to naming your team. After all, you'll be audibly cursing your opponents' team names at least once during the season, so it's only fair that you and your league mates make sure the words "Damn you Adrian Beatersons!" don't have to come out of your mouth. Please, for everyone involved, exercise that maturity you pretend to be capable of when naming your fantasy football roster.
Below are five premises that you really really REALLY shouldn't be punning on this season (no matter how perversely funny you may find it).
Anything Caitlyn Jenner Related
Topical humor. Lol!!! Seriously though, you don't need to stoop this low to win the adoration of the shittiest people in your league. Just because you've got a weird-looking penis doesn't mean you have to diss someone who got rid of theirs. People have gotten sex changes for damn near 30 years now. Get over it and find some better subject matter.
Alternates: A strong Kardashian jab will suffice, as they are legitimately terrible people from the deepest depths of hell. 40-Yardashian, Kim's Sext Ape, Attack of the Khloens
Tom Brady's Deflated Balls
This might very well be the most played out joke in circulation right now. We get it. You get it. Tom Brady is very particular about his balls. It was funny in February. It stopped being funny in May. The more we talk about DeflateGate, the stronger it grows. It's like the black mass of evil from "The Fifth Element." Let it be.
Alternates: Gronk jokes are always appropriate. Party Bus, Spike It Into My Butt, A Gronking To Forget
You'll regret this as soon as he drops out of the GOP Primary in September. Watch -- you'll be sitting there with a joke from July plastered on your league standings as reminder you're the guy who makes the easiest joke possible.
Alternates: The rest of the Republican field is, without question, a bunch of silly dorks whom you absolutely SHOULD be taking advantage of. Jebbie Bush, Corpus Chris Christie, DeMarco Rubio
This one's tricky, because there's a small but real opportunity here to really stick it to this American icon-turned-serial rapist. The only trouble is that BILL COSBY WILL NEVER SEE YOUR TEAM NAME BUT MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT AND SHE'LL GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT PARTICIPATING IN A LEAGUE WITH YOUR STUPID FUCKING RAPE JOKE. Please, protest Cosby's existence in a measured, righteous manner on your own time.
Alternates: Any number of old TV shows are ripe for punning. Jamaal Charles In Charge, Saved By Le'Veon Bell, The Bolden Girls, The Secret Life of Alex Smith
How Bad Roger Goodell Is At His Job
Another very played out, easy joke -- except the subject matter isn't even slightly interesting. It's boring. "Hey, let's make fun of the guy who makes $30 million a year to ruin the NFL with his poor management skills!" Wow. Hilarious. At least wait until he's moved the league to China before your start immortalizing him with the title of your fantasy team.
Alternates: NFL team owners -- meaning the billionaire weirdos who live vicariously through 22-year-old kids -- are silly and obnoxious and provide a near-infinite supply of comedic material. Irsay's Pillowcase Full Of Painkillers, Jerryworld: Tragical Kingdumb, Bisciotti By Nature