Chaos! Nation’s Animals Can’t Agree On Super Bowl Picks

  • Dan Fogarty

As sports fans, we put a lot of stock in predictions. This includes when animals are the ones making the predictions.

If a zebra has a proven track record of correctly predicting sporting events, we actually start to put stock in the zebra’s predictions. And since animals are about as trustworthy as ESPN analysts anyway, the practice of lions, tigers, and bears predicting the Super Bowl winner has become a time-honored tradition.

But what happens when America’s animals can’t agree on a clear winner? When our nation’s orangutans can’t agree on the Pats O-line vs. the Giants defensive front? When our local camels can’t decide between Eli Manning or Tom Brady? Anarchy, that’s what.

Some noted, hairy NFL experts have chimed in on Giants vs. Patriots, and the consensus seems to be: there is no consensus.

Princess the Camel (New Jersey)

First of all: look at that thing. Just look at it for a second. It’s huge. Is this normal for camels? Is this camel exceptionally large? I don’t know, I don’t see camels often. Second: this camel has picked the correct winner of five of the last six Super Bowls, which would be good, except it’s from New Jersey. A New Jersey camel is not picking against the Giants, and we fear Princess’ judgement as a Super Bowl soothsayer has been clouded. Prediction: Giants.

Kami the Sumatran Tiger (Alabama)

Kami is a 4-year-old Sumatran tiger who picked the correct winner of last year’s Super Bowl. The way he predicts winners goes like this: the zookeepers lay out two boxes, one with a Giants logo, one with a Patriots logo. Because Kami is a highly specialized killing machine, the team whose box he shreds first will be the winner. Or it means they will be mauled by Tigers in front of terrified national audience. We’re not sure. In any event, the Pats’ box got shredded. Prediction: Patriots.

Arun the One-Horned Asian Rhinoceros (Texas)

Arun did not hesitate. When two balls were placed inside his Rhino “play area” (No joke, that’s what his zoo calls the place where he lives. I would call it “Arun’s Rhinoceros Cabin Sex and Death.” But to each his own.) Arun immediately went for the Giants ball, because he’s a Rhino, and has no time for games. Prediction: Giants.

Inji and Kutai, Orangutans (Oregon)

The extremely earnest headline from FOX 12 in Oregon (“Zoo’s orangutans can’t agree on Super Bowl pick”) pretty much says it all. Since 1996, the Oregon Zoo orangutans put on shirts that show their picks. This year, there “was no consenus”: Inji put on a Giants shirt, while her grandson Kutai put on a Pats shirt. Prediction: Toss-Up.