Apple Releases New Emojis, Including Middle Finger And Taco — This Is A Glorious Day
This will save me endless time. Apple finally rolled out its much anticipated iOS 9.1 update today, with 128 new emojis, most in glorious color. There are really only four that I care about, and will likely use constantly. As for the rest -- what am I, a 13-year-old girl? They're mostly nonsense.
Here are the useful ones, with instructions on when to use them:
The middle finger. I'm tired of writing the name, sick of expressing frustration at a brain-dead 25 percent of Republicans who are keeping his name afloat in the polls. Now whenever Donald Trump is in the news, I just send a photo of his runaway Guinea Pig hair, a link to an article and the greatest emoji ever invented. Also works perfectly for Alex Rodriguez, Lamar Odom kidney transplant updates, Ben Roethlisberger, people who refer to him as "Mike" Vick, panicky cops who shoot dogs in people's yards, and Congressional Tea Baggers.
Dancing Poop. For when just one pile of poop isn't good enough to describe the trick play that the Colts tried to run on Sunday. Also good for describing 96 percent of America's Got Talent performances, gratuitous Deadspin hit pieces, Monday Night's NY Giants-Eagles game, any boy band, and The Big Bang Theory.
Burrito. In honor of the greatest news lede ever, from WFTV in Florida: The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail. Also good for responding to anything your girlfriend texts you when she's talking nonsense, explaining to anyone where you are, and describing small donkeys.
A funeral urn. For when you're too busy to say, "This is where the Cubs' next postseason game is being played." What, too soon?
You can check out the new class in its entirety, below...