As you may know, the Cowboys' Dez Bryant has a pet monkey, because ... look, he just has one, OK? I don't have all the answers. But while this may not be distressing news to most of us, PETA is having a fit.
Monkeys, it seems, live in the wild. And while I'm sure that Dez has a pretty interesting lifestyle, it;s not like living in the woods. Also, it;s a baby monkey, and PETA points out that babies need a mother. Dez, you are not a proper mother for a monkey.
So PETA Foundation Deputy Director of Captive Animal Law Enforcement Brittany Peet sent a letter to local authorities in DeSoto, Texas, where Bryant lives. It reads in part:
“Monkeys belong in the wild — not in the hands of football players who acquire exotic animals just to make a splash on Instagram. This baby capuchin was torn away from his mother shortly after birth and needs special care that can now only be provided by wildlife experts who will be able to ensure that he gets the love and attention he deserves.
"Captive monkeys should be cared for by wildlife experts who understand their physical and psychological needs and in facilities where they can live in natural social groups — they should not be in the hands of an NFL football player."
An estimated 15,000 primates are currently kept as pets in the United States, according to the Humane Society, via the Huffington Post. Possibly that number includes some humans, because we're also primates, right? Note: I get all of my zoological facts from Seinfeld:
ZOOKEEPER: "The monkey is just an innocent primate!"
KRAMER: "So am I!"
In case you're wondering, here's the relevant DeSoto, TX, municipal code:
1“It shall be unlawful for any person to exhibit, possess or harbor a wild animal within the city without a permit.” De Soto Mun. Code 2.800(a). A “wild animal” is defined as (in pertinent part) “[a]ll species of animals which commonly exist in a natural unconfined state and are usually not domesticated. This shall apply regardless of state or duration of captivity. Such animals shall include, but are not limited to … Order Primata (such as monkeys, chimpanzees and gorillas).”
My orangutan, Randolph, has been wearing a disguise for two years and is in the fifth grade.
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