‘Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee’: The Sports Parts

  • Rick Chandler

A weekly series revolving around comedians driving somewhere to get coffee? Talk about a show about nothing …

But Jerry Seinfeld pulls it off impressively in “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee“, the weekly web series sponsored by Acura in which Seinfeld, as the host, drives a different car each week as he does just what the title implies. Already in its third season, some of the strongest episodes have been with guests Larry David, Ricky Gervais and Louis C.K. But my favorite bits have centered around celebrities talking about sports, and it’s surprising how often that comes up in the show.

Or maybe not, since Jerry is such a big sports fan. Here are some recent examples, from Seasons 2 and 3.

David Letterman:

Jerry Seinfeld: “Have you found football any harder to watch?”

David Letterman: “I think they should get rid of time outs, I think they should get rid of punts, and also I think they should be allowed to play as many guys at once as they would like. If you’ve got a play for 40 guys, send ’em in. Your team gets three successive first downs. They then have the option of running a play with two balls.”

JS: “I feel like I’m in Gallagher’s act now.”

DL: “That is a little Gallagher.”

DL: “Over the winter we built a little push car. So (my son) goes down the driveway, loses control, and goes over like this. But it was all pretty minor. Two hours later is his first baseball practice of the season. So now, he says ‘I can’t go to baseball practice because I hurt my hand.’ So what do you do in that situation?”

JS: “I support whatever position my wife takes. That’s what I do.”

DL: “Because she knows more about parenting than you?”

JS: “In the end it doesn’t matter what you do. But why have a fight with your wife?”

DL: “But here’s the worst part of this, and maybe you didn’t experienced this because you mentioned that you don’t care (laughs), is that you feel guilty about your own behavior.”

JS: “I kind of look at my family now and I figure, ‘You know, in sixty years everyone’s dead here. So …”

DL: (Looks for waitress) “Could I have the check please?”

Patton Oswalt. Writer, actor (“Justified”), comedian:

Jerry Seinfeld: “Let me ask you this question now. When you see Keith Olbermann now, doing the wrapup of a baseball game, after being this insane, political demagogue … And I like Olbermann, but this career move is a pretty funny one to me.”

Patton Oswalt: “It’s beyond lateral, it’s sideways reversal. He was all but calling out the Commander in Chief to step down. And now he’s saying …”

JS: ” … ‘You can’t take a lead that big off of second in the seventh inning!’ With the same energy.”

PO: “Imagine driving a car 90 miles an hour then just throwing it in reverse to see what would happen. That’s what he’s doing.”

PO: “One thing I love about baseball is when the manager walks out to the mound, and you know he has to tell the pitcher ‘We have to take you out.’ And you see his face and he’s just so upset, and there’s no dialogue. It’s like silent movie acting. And you see the pitcher start to deflate, and the manager just struts back.”

JS: “What about the ball thing? Give me the ball. Like that’s the only ball, you know? We’ve got a million balls here. Give me that one you’ve got. I want yours.”

PO: “It’s a symbol. ‘Your gun and your badge! Put ’em on my desk. Right now.’ ‘Really? Because there’s a million guns here.’ ‘I don’t care. Give me your gun.’ ”

Gad Elmaleh. The French comedian who is often called the Jerry Seinfeld of France, and did the voice of the Seinfeld character in the French version of “Bee Movie”.

Gad Elmaleh: “I don’t understand baseball and I know you would never explain me how it works.”

Jerry Seinfield: “Yes I would.”

GE: “(On fans) They’re like this, they’re watching the game, and sometimes they pretend they’re going to leave. Like the players will go, ‘No, please stay!’ ”

JS: “I love the guy getting up like he’s going to walk away, but he doesn’t, and he sits right back down. He’s not going anywhere.”

JS: “The soccer players and basketball players all do the same thing. When the referee calls a foul: (Outstretched arms) ‘What?? I’m so innocent!’ ”

Chris Rock:

Chris Rock: “Steroids? I don’t know. It’s just a advantage to make more money. Like any other business. Every stockbroker had a cell phone and then one day, one guy had the Blackberry. And for about three months, he had a humongous advantage over everybody.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “Blackberrys don’t turn you into Lyle Alzado.”

CR: “Getting information quicker, getting to the quarterback quicker. Tell me the difference.”

JS: “So really, steroids don’t bother you? That’s ridiculous.”

CR: “They bother me because they influence kids.”

JS: “They are kids! These players are kids.”

CR: “There’s rules, these guys broke the rules, they should be punished. There’s math, and then everything else is debatable.”

CR: “Tiger Woods is back, and he’s got himself a new girl. And he’s a guy who needs a relationship. He’s a guy who needs to make that call every night. ‘Alright. I’m in. Yeah, it was good.’ Like one night I was hanging out with Prince. And Prince had to go make the call. And it was the most mundane call you’d ever hear. But he knew he had to make the call.”