From No Good To Very Bad: The Worst Of Week 2 In The NFL
Oh Week 2, you are so largely meaningless and yet there are so many downtrodden fans who think their seasons are over because their favorite team is 0-2. Meanwhile there are plenty of overconfident fans who think that 2-0 means they are basically going to the Super Bowl.
Of course either way, two games is hardly enough to help projections for how a team's entire season will play out. Shit, even Johnny Foozeball and the Browns are 1-1. But that kind of make the 0-2 teams seem just a little more pathetic after all, doesn't it?
Yes it does. Here are the currently win-less teams in the NFL (a striking majority of which are in the NFC) along with their new official 2015 slogans:
Houston Texans - "Still wasting J.J. Watt's prime...one slow, painful year at a time!"
Seattle Seahawks - "Apparently the 'Bible verses on Twitter and Skittles diet' game plan has a two season expiration date."
Philadelphia Eagles - "Remember when we HATED Donovan McNabb?! Hahahaha...haha...ahhh.... ::sobs::"
New York Giants - "At least we'll win that Week 10 game against the Patriots."
Detroit Lions - "We're starting to think that Matt Stafford is not elite."
Chicago Bears - "Da Bears. Ditka. Da Bears. Ditka."
New Orleans Saints - "Seven months until Jazz Fest."
Indianapolis Colts - "2015 AFC Participants"
Honestly, is there ever going to be a year in my lifetime where the NFC East isn't a complete dumpster fire? The Cowboys have lost both Dez Bryant and Tony Romo for the foreseeable future which means the only team left in that godforsaken division that has a win is the Redskins. How terrifying is that? This could be the year that a team wins the division with 6 wins.
Want to think about something even more terrifying?
That's the saddest shit bum list of QBs I've seen in a while. No wonder Carson Palmer has been looking like the second coming of Joe Montana. If you stick a pizza next to a deep fried can of Crisco, it looks like health food in comparison.
Still, although none of them are looking even remotely close at the moment, there are far more Sundays for these teams to right their wrongs. But for now, let's bask in their general shittiness.
Worst Week 1 Completion Percentage
Ryan Mallet (HOU): 46.6%
Lowest Passer Rating
Andrew Luck (IND): 52.8
Most Sack Yards Lost
Tyrod Taylor (BUF): 53 yards
Fewest Rushing Yards (Min. 10 attempts)
DeMarco Murray (DAL): 2 yards on 13 attempts (0.15 yards per carry)
Fewest Receiving Yards (Min. 10 targets)
Cecil Shorts III (HOU): 6 receptions for 34 yards on 10 targets
Lowest Punting Average
Jon Ryan (SEA): 40.2 yards
Lowest Kickoff Average
Robbie Gould (CHI): 61.4 yards
Fewest Total First Downs
St. Louis Rams: 11 first downs
Kansas City Chiefs: 5 turnovers
Most Penalty Yards
Chicago Bears: 170 penalty yards
Lowest Time of Possession:
Philadelphia Eagles: 19 minutes, 30 seconds
Fewest Total Tackles
Washington Redskins: 39 total tackles
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