Hey Josh Gordon, Here's How You Beat A Drug Test Now That You're A Marked Man

  • Jake O'Donnell

By any objective measure, Josh Gordon failed to play by the rules when he tested positive for THC…for a third time (the first was in college). As much as everyone wants to make him the victim in this instance, Gordon knew what the stakes were and he put his career on the line when he made plant smoke go into his body — as stupid as that sounds.

Wait, that sounds REALLY stupid…

We’re not sure if the NFL’s intention is to punish marijuana users because they deem it immoral, because it is still illegal in most states, or because they haven’t updated their rules to reflect the values of the times — but a year-long suspension for smoking weed for the 10 millionth time would seem harsh. It’s weed, fucking relax.

Their policy seems out of step with their viewing audience’s stance on the matter, much like their policy on punching your fiancee in the face until she’s unconscious.

But should you care how the NFL punishes its employees? Is Josh Gordon’s heavy handed suspension for a second NFL substance policy violation reason for protest? Of course it is — you wouldn’t go to a circus if you knew they electrocuted their animals for pooping in the ring, right? Same difference.

Gordon had 50 nanograms of THC in his urine — a third as much as the International Olympic Committee deems punishable. This puts him in the vaunted “Stage 3” of the NFL substance abuse policy (even though this was technically his second violation), which means he’ll be tested up to 10 times every month for the rest of his football career — should he return to the league. Regarding that, Josh Gordon now needs to apply for reinstatement to return to the NFL and cannot so much as attend team workouts until he is granted access. Why? Are they worried he might eat all team snacks?

The way we see, Gordon has three options if he wants to continue his career as a professional athlete:

1) Stop smoking weed
2) Play in the CFL once his suspension is up (where they don’t test for recreational drugs, only performance enhancing ones)
3) Don’t get caught again (which would result in banishment from the NFL)

If the league continues its policy of suspending/banishing players for infinitesimal amounts of THC in their urine, the possibility exists that secondhand smoke could result in a lifetime ban. Imagine that. Here’s how High Times publisher Rick Cusick suggests you avoid one of those (via HuffPo)…