How Much Dumber Could Von Miller’s Urine Collector Have Been?

  • Eric Goldschein

von millerYou know it’s going to be a good week when the first story you write centers around a man who watches other people urinate for a living.

Von Miller of the Broncos is currently serving a six-game suspension for violating the NFL’s substance-abuse policy, but as Chris Mortensen first reported, Miller came very close to being banned from the game for a year. The reason: Miller apparently conspired with his urine collector to cheat the system and switch out his sample for a clean one.

The NFL would have suspended Von Miller for a year (up from the usual four games for a failed drug test) but the urine collector was hired by the league (through Drug Free Sport) and put everyone in an awkward position. The urine collector was “star struck” by Miller and reportedly didn’t accept money for helping the linebacker cheat the system. He just wanted to be a bro.

He might have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for his damn colleague (from ESPN):

It might have worked, sources said, had a second collector not discovered that Miller was not in the city where his collection was supposed to have taken place.

“He’s fast,” one source said of Miller, “but he’s not that fast.”

How stupid was this urine collector? At least make some attempt to cover your tracks. “Nah man, go ahead, we’ll just pretend like you can pee into a different city. You’re Von Miller, you can do anything!”

I’m honestly trying to come up with ways for the urine collector to have been more stupid about this. Here’s what I got:

-He replaces Miller’s sample with apple juice and labels it “Not apple juice.”
-He pours Miller’s sample through a Brita filter to clean it and then continues to use the Brita filter at home.
-He mixes Miller’s sample with dish soap.
-He collects urine from a horse because horses are broncos, right?
-He drinks the urine himself and then produces his own sample which has the combined power of both men, because nothing could be stronger than Von Miller and the urine collector, they are a match made in heaven and will be brothers for life in the struggle against injustice.

The urine collector has been fired. We can’t wait for him to become the next head of FEMA.

Photo via Getty