How Tom Brady Became The NFL’s Version Of ‘Crooked’ Hillary Clinton

How Tom Brady Became The NFL’s Version Of ‘Crooked’ Hillary Clinton
  • Rick Chandler

You’ve most likely seen it by now — someone threw a dildo onto the field during Sunday’s Patriots-Bills game, where it was immediately spotted in TV households throughout the nation. Trick or treat, kids! A ref kicked the offending plastic sex toy off the field, but not before closeups revealed what was scribbled onto it.

It read: “Tom Brady’s Dildo”.

The Bills fan who allegedly tossed the comedy phallus appeared on the trainwreck sports podcast and revealed that he smuggled it into the stadium by wearing two pairs of pants.

“Me and my girlfriend were [dressed as] ’70s porn stars for Halloween, and she left a rubber dildo at my buddy’s house,” he said.

The party was Saturday, and when he woke up Sunday, he spotted that it was left behind.

“I’m thinking pretty much in my head this is Tom Brady’s dildo, so I saw it … I wrote in Sharpie ‘Tom Brady’s dildo’ on it.”

The dildo landed nowhere near Brady, and was carted off the sideline on a tiny stretcher (citation needed) because no one wanted to touch it. That’s a note that Brady himself commented on following the game.

It’s an amusing aside to another Patriots’ victory (41-25), bringing New England to a 7-1 record.

But here’s the bigger question: why would a Bills’ fan risk ejection and certain humiliation for smuggling a large comic dildo into the stadium before the game had even started? Answer: because he so, so, so hates Tom Brady. And what’s behind this visceral, inbred Brady hate? The world has been trying to figure this out since 2001.

How much do Bills fans hate Tom Brady? Two Buffalo parents even made their son a “Fuck Tom Brady” birthday cake — the only factor saving them from Hell and CPS being that the child, age 5, cannot yet read. But that makes the disdain no less real.


But this thing goes way beyond the AFC East. It seems that nearly everyone who is not a Patriots fan hates Tom Brady. It’s a hate that has grown steadily since the Patriots started winning, and Brady started collecting Super Bowl trophies. It seems pathological at its core, often unreasonably so. People just hate Brady because they’re supposed to — he’s like Satan, or the Kardashians.

The only similar equivalency I’ve seen is the case of Hillary Clinton.

Clinton is nearly as hated as she is admired, especially now with the Presidential election just one week off. Many can’t exactly put their finger on why they hate her — they just do. Their “Hillary For Prison” t-shirts aren’t made of fabric and ink, or logic, but rather of blood and vitriol, as if extracted from their own DNA. Why are her emails bad? We don’t know, we’re just told they are. What’s Benghazi about? What are the details? Hell if we know — details give us a headache.

Even though she’s seemingly been on trial since 1992, no one has been able to prove any wrongdoing on her part. Hillary Clinton is the most scrutinized public figure since Al Capone. But while Capone ended up in Alcatraz, Clinton is currently measuring the drapes at the White House.

Apparently she’s actually done nothing wrong, but people still hate her with the hot fury of Krypton’s supergiant red sun. Why?

There are two kinds of success: that which the public thinks you deserve, and that which is perceived as cheating. Hillary’s is the latter, at least according to her enemies. So much of what she’s been criticized for has been debunked, deemed ridiculous, and proven as just plain wrong. But people believe it anyway, because it fits their preconceived narrative. Facts don’t matter.

And the same can be said for Brady. So many don’t like him for so many silly reasons. Sure, sports isn’t politics — they won’t change the world. But the psychology here is remarkably similar.

Below please find the top seven reasons that people detest Tom Brady. And when you’re done, search your feelings, young Skywalker, and you’ll find that none of them are worthy of your hate. Well, except for one or two.