If the Teams of the NFL Playoffs Were Rogue One Characters
(WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM THE RECENTLY RELEASED FILM ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE AND WISH TO AVOID SPOILERS, TURN BACK NOW)
You know what everyone loves? NFL football. You know what else everyone loves? Star Wars! Both endured some hard times...the NFL went through a weird thing there with ties earlier in the season, not to mention the ongoing attempt to make Thursday Night Football a thing, and Star Wars had the prequels.
However, exciting NFL football has graced our television screens once more, and everyone loves Star Wars again thanks to the back-to-back successful releases of The Force Awakens and Rogue One. We draw inspiration from the latter film and help worlds collide, but comparing the dozen teams of the NFL playoffs to characters from the new anthology film...
The Falcons offense is a lot like the warrior Baze, who wields several big weapons in fighting the Empire. Atlanta boasts several, like Matt Ryan and Julio Jones, usual suspects, but have also seen the rise of newcomers like Taylor Gabriel. With any luck, the Falcons can avoid the fate that has befallen several great teams before them. They do have a first round bye, and they'll look to send the Georgia Dome out in style.
Everyone either loves or loves to hate Darth Vader. Everyone either loves or loves to hate the Dallas Cowboys. Both the Cowboys and Vader are making a return to the national stage, and man, do they look pretty darn cool. Each also returns after an extended period of disgrace...Dallas had its own version of the prequels last year, but starring Matt Cassell and Greg Hardy rather than Hayden Christensen and Jar Jar Binks. Now that the main attraction is back, each addition is certainly more watchable.
As brilliant as Rogue One ended up being, I most certainly wanted more Saw Gerrera. First of all, any movie is better with more Forrest Whitaker in it...seriously, other than Battlefield Earth, can you name a bad movie with Forrest Whitaker in it?...and the Expanded Universe of Star Wars paints Saw as a complex, interesting character. However, when we see him in the movie itself, he does manage to get off some good lines but is mostly hobbled and heavy breathing before making a Death Star related exit by the end of the first act. With Matthew Stafford's finger acting up, expect the Lions to likewise exit by the first act.
Man, that wise-cracking droid takes a beating in the movie. Fortunately, however, he makes it to the very end, helping his group retrieve the precious Death Star plans while making all kinds of robotic zingers. The Green Bay Packers likewise took a beating this season, once sitting at 4-6, but Aaron Rodgers decreed that the Pack would "Run the table", and they have most certainly done so. It helps that they also have Rodgers, he of the wisecracking StateFarm ads, leading the way, much like K2's quips led the way for the Rebels.
Houston-C-3PO and R2-D2
Look, we love seeing 3P0 and R2, but their brief appearance while the Rebels prepare for the Scarif battle seems solely for the purpose of maintaining their streak of appearing in each Star Wars film. Likewise, the Texans' inclusion is for the sole purpose of the AFC South needing to put one team here.
Kansas City-Orson Krennic
Orson Krennic is a man with big intentions and aspirations. He's been more or less handed the keys to the
moon space station to end all space stations, and he has to impress the higher ups, especially after some risks gone wrong. Andy Reid and Alex Smith are in similar positions, trying to prove to others they're capable of handling a responsibility like the Lombardi Trophy. Much like Krennic they've come oh so close in taking down a strong insurgence, with poor clock management doing them in against the Patriots last year. Can they reverse that trend this year?
The Dolphins are a proud franchise making a comeback, much like how Mothma was a proud Rebel leader making a comeback to film on her own. Mothma was actually supposed to make a big-screen return much earlier, slated to appear in Revenge of the Sith, but her scenes were cut from the final film. The Dolphins have likewise have had false reports of their return several times since their last playoff appearance in 2008, but are finally back in the spotlight. We also know that Mothma's bigger moment is yet to come, in Return of the Jedi, much like the best is yet to come for the young Dolphins.
New England-The Death Star
Yes, the Death Star is most certainly a "character" of Rogue One, the one that sets the entire plot into motion. The Patriots are a force of destruction that keeps on rolling. Even when the Rebels destroy the Death Star in A New Hope, an unfinished, but fully operational, replica arises in Return of the Jedi, and The Force Awakens hearkens back to the famous space station with Starkiller Base. So as long as there's Star Wars there will always be forces of planet destruction, the Patriots will probably always be there as long as there's NFL teams to harass.
NY Giants-Chirrut Imwe
"I am one with the Force and the Force is with me!" has no doubt become the mantra of many since the release of Rogue One. Imwe may be blind, but using the ancient powers and teachings of the Force, he pulls off the impossible and helps the Rebels achieve their mission of recovering the fabled Death Star plans. The Giants are likewise looking to do that, hearkening the magic of playoffs past to make another improbable trip to the Super Bowl. They'll have an "ancient master" to assist them, as Eli Manning will again be under center.
We've come to know Mads Mikkelsen from many cool roles...Hannibal Lecter, Bond villain, Marvel villain, and now, guy who built the freaking Death Star. No matter the role, Mikkelsen has always managed to impress us with the relatives gracefulness of his roles, no matter how dark or nefarious they may be. And no matter how fearsome the Steelers appear to be, we always seem to welcome their prescience, and it just seems like football is more fun when the Steelers are around.
Many believed that Jyn Erso was destined for big things in the Star Wars series. Was she Rey's mother? Would she one day marry Luke Skywalker? Turns out, none of the fan theories actually accounted for Jyn perishing in the heroic efforts of Rogue One, and it would appear the Raiders were the same way. They could get a small victory...they play the Texans in what will be their first playoff game since Super Bowl XXXVII...the same way Jyn got a not-so-small victory in obtaining the Death Star plans, but what promised to be prosperous immediate future may be blasted away, thanks to the infamous Derek Carr injury.
Cassian Andor cheats death several times in the story about the Death Star, and the Seahawks were the same way this season. Critics have said Seattle's now customary spot in the NFC playoffs was earned solely because the remainder of the NFC West resembles one of the trash compactors on the famed Death Star. At least, that's what the jerseys looked like anyway. However, much like the brave Captain, Seattle has proven time and time again that they'll pull through in the end.
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