Kellen Winslow Jr. is probably not returning to the New York Jets. The dude has had a rough football life, suffering catastrophic knee injuries that probably led to an unsurprising suspension for PEDs this year. Those things might make you feel bad for Kellen Winslow Jr. This story about him masturbating in a Target parking lot will not.
New York Jets tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. was masturbating in a Target parking lot … with TWO jars of vaseline in his car … this according to a police report obtained by TMZ Sports.
You always have to keep an extra Vaseline jar in your car, in case you masturbated too many times in your car that week and had forgotten to go to the store. When the urge strikes, there’s no time for CVS.
The 30-year-old former Pro Bowler was arrested on November 19th … after cops in New Jersey received a tip about a man in a Target parking lot “pleasuring himself” in his vehicle.
According to the report, a 58-year-old white lady had pulled up next to Kellen’s Cadillac Escalade around 5:30pm and noticed Kellen sitting in the driver’s seat with the window open.
The woman says she tried to make small talk about the weather (it was really cold) and that’s when she saw his erect penis … and called the cops.
Hey! It’s really frigid out today, dont ya think? Is that why your penis is so small?
When cops arrived to the scene, they reportedly found two open containers of vaseline in the car … along with synthetic marijuana labelled “Mr. Happy” — and Kellen admitted he smokes the stuff to help him relax.
His penis was also arrested, and it’s name is Mr. Chafed.
Cops asked Kellen what he was doing in the parking lot and he said he was looking for a Boston Market but got lost. Cops note that K’s penis was not exposed when they arrived.
Winslow got away with the alleged masturbating, but was charged for the synthetic marijuana, and pleaded not guilty last week. He never found the Boston Market, and was forced to attempt to masturbate at home, where he just couldn’t get in the right mood.