LISTICLE: 16 Reasons Why The Browns Signed RGIII
Yep, it wasn't a joke. The Cleveland Browns went and did the thing we all assumed they'd probably do: they signed Robert Griffin III to a lucrative two-year, $15 million contract. We guess they figured he was headed in the same direction as the franchise so they might as well carpool on their way to football irrelevance.
Here's a quick video explaining everything you need to know about where this thing is headed...
— FOX Sports (@FOXSports) March 24, 2016
Ya, it's like when your alcoholic uncle gets re-re-re-married to yet another alcoholic he met on the internet. Twenty-fifth time's the charm! Below are 16 reasons why the Cleveland Browns decided to bring RGII into their ranks.
16) RGIII's presence ensure team gets "Hard Knocks" next year, plus residuals when HBO inevitably repurposes footage from inside their locker room for a violent "Game of Thrones" scene.
15) Griffin seen as ideal veteran to help ruin incoming first-round quarterback.
14) Satanic curse damning Cleveland sports caused frontrunner Tim Tebow to cry tears of blood during tryout, making it difficult to see targets.
13) Franchise believed RGIII was custom-built to transition franchise out of Bernie Kosar era.
12) Has proven he can stay healthy while shaking owner's hand, signing contract.
11) Doesn't drink, so that's, like, kinda a really big deal after the last guy.
10) Hoping that his personality has become so repulsive that opposing defenses won't even want to get close enough to tackle him in fear of getting dragged into a really boring conversation.
9) Has really cool hair.
8) Griffin's combination of speed, accuracy and arm strength gives him unique ability to throw entire team under bus while on the move.
7) Had an extra jersey lying around that was exactly RGIII's size.
6) After workout and interview, front office noticed his massive knee braces and lack of interpersonal skills and figured "RG3" was some sort of indestructible cybernetic bounty hunter hired by Darth Vader to capture Han Solo, are slowly realizing that he's just a weirdo with fragile MCLs.
5) Hue Jackson's new offense prioritizes mobile passers capable of running really fast in opposite direction.
4) Owner Jimmy Haslem just finished Dan Snyder's book "How To Build A Successful NFL Franchise."
3) Griffin had the most compelling pitch among homeless players offering their services in stadium parking lot.
2) Browns always looking for that once-in-a-generation locker room cancer.
1) Was only serious response to their LinkedIn job posting for "Cleveland Browns Quarterback."
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