Nah, I’m Not Going To Drink More Budweiser, Sorry Peyton
While everyone was busy lambasting Cam Newton for being sad about losing the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning completed his final transformation from football player who appears in advertisements to a walking billboard with a spaghetti neck and likely brain damage. Congrats on riding off into the Papa John's-sponsored sunset, Peyton! Please do not come back and make us feel bad for you like we had to do all last season.
If you caught Manning's post-game interviews, you know that he dropped not one, but three references to Budweiser products (both Bud Heavy and Bud Light) in seemingly "off-the-cuff" fashion. This sent the internet and Budweiser marketing executives into a frenzy -- the totally (allegedly) unplanned and unpaid comments amount to "probably the most valuable celebrity endorsement in history." A sponsorship analytics group said that the remarks were worth $3.6 million, and that number will grow as articles are written and water cooler conversation drifts from "Did you see the game?" to "Let's get a beer after work. What kind of beer, you ask? Well..."
But fuck that. I'm not going to drink more Bud Pisswater just because Peyton Manning told me he wanted to. I'll probably drink even less now, just to spite him and the people who try to put a dollar amount on an "un-sponsored" comment like that.
First of all, it goes without saying that I don't drink Budweiser or its Light counterpart with any regularity. It's shitty beer. The only notable thing about it is that, like Coke, you can an eerily similar Bud in most parts of the world. Kudos to creating a bland, barely alcoholic beverage that hits the same non-spot on my palate every time, Anheuser-Busch.
But there are times when a Bud or Bud Light are convenient, and so I take them. Maybe I'm at a sporting event, and the "premium stuff" is $15 and the "garbage" (or "Regular" or whatever they call it) draughts are $11, so I'll choke down some yellow carbonated water with a 4.2 percent ABV. Or I'm at a house party, and the host is offering Bud Light, probably because he's a cheap asshole, so I'll take one to be polite.
From now on, though? Fuck that. I'll spring for the expensive stuff or stick to water at the stadium. I'll politely decline my house party host's offer, or perhaps scoff at it distastefully and say "Got any Steel City? Got any Extra Gold? Got any Natty? How about sewer run-off?" And if people call me out for it, I'm going to say, Look, I'm not giving Peyton Manning another god damn dollar until he admits he's a pop-up ad with a massive forehead, and I'm also not giving Apex MG Analytics the satisfaction of justifying their completely arbitrary valuation of Peyton's sponsored content speech with any of my hard-earned paycheck. I typed a lot of words in order to afford this SweetWater 420, and I'm gonna enjoy it! Leave me alone, and also thanks so much for inviting me, you have a beautiful home.
So nice try, Peyton. We know you own stakes in Anheuser-Busch distributors. Saying you wanted to celebrate with a specific brand of beer was a cold, calculated marketing ploy, as shameless as saying "I'll be hungry, too -- we'll order some Papa John's for the locker room. Papa John's -- salty as fuck!" or "Times like these make me really appreciate my family. Thankfully they're insured with Nationwide, so I don't have to worry if I die tonight from Bud Light-induced alcohol poisoning." It was you all along.
Fuck Budweiser. The End.
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