The Cincinnati Bengals walked all over the New York Giants on Sunday, easily coasting to a 31-13 win with stellar defensive line play and an efficient 21-30 for 199 yards and 4 TDs from quarterback Andy Dalton. It’s New York’s second consecutive loss and the latest in a series of less than stellar performances by the Giants. Still, the team is 6-4 and leading the NFC East, so they can’t be playing that poorly, right?
Enter [insert publication here] columnist [insert name], who’s here to document this
bump in the road cataclysmic disaster and scare your hope into submission with meaingless statistical references and wild conjecture.
Off you go, New York.
First sign of the apocalypse: Eli Manning hasn’t thrown a touchdown pass in three games! Nevermind that the Giants won one of those games (Dallas) and nearly pulled out the second (Pittsburgh).
“He’s gone three straight games without throwing a touchdown pass — the only other time that happened was 2004, his rookie year.”
“For the third straight game, Manning failed to throw for a touchdown. The last time that happened was during the second, third and fourth starts of his career back in 2004.”
“Manning hadn’t gone three games without a touchdown pass since his rookie season.”
Because Eli’s just so damn wonderful and not injured, he must have a “tired arm.” IT’S SCIENCE.
“But now, he’s in such a deep and mystifying five-game slump — he rejected reports that he has a tired arm — that when he gets his jersey pulled, his passes get picked off and lead to debilitating touchdowns against a bad team.”
” Eli Manning tried to dismiss the first theory offered for the New York Giants’ power outage.
‘No, I don’t think so,’ the quarterback said when asked about a ProFootballTalk.com report that a tired right arm has led to his recent struggles. ‘I feel like I’m making the throws, and I don’t feel like it’s tired.'”
Scienceticians see right through your lies, LIAR.
“Manning refutes media speculation he has a tired arm…”
Also of note: this is all reminiscent of the Giants’ annual second half collapse – which, by the way, has totally never led to two Super Bowl victories.
“The Giants are two games into their annual second-half collapse after their usual 6-2 start and head into their bye week trying to fight self-doubt overtaking the locker room.”
“And they’ll need all the cushion they can get, not only because of their remaining opponents but also because of the other opponent they seem to battle annually – their penchant for midseason slumps.”
“And on days when he becomes an E-liability, he doesn’t carry the Giants on his shoulders, he drags them down into the sinkhole of yet another second-half swoon.”
Word play time!
“Manning now represents all that’s wrong with the free-falling Giants: He can’t make a play. He can’t even throw the ball away.”
“As it turned out, the person who needed to duck in this game was not Green — as Antrel Rolle had warned last week — but rather Manning.”
Eh, you can do better.
“Manning refutes media speculation he has a tired arm, but apparently he has grown tired of throwing touchdown passes…”
And here are some outlandish statements to stir up the masses because, why not?
“There’s only one explanation for how poorly the Giants played. They unilaterally made the decision that their bye week began at 1 p.m. Sunday because they were down 14-0 just 4:07 into the first quarter.
Why did the Giants even bother getting off the bus when they had no desire to play?”
I know, right?
“We’ve seen the two-time Super Bowl MVP throw bad interceptions in the past but not as Elite Eli.”
Wait, what? Elite Eli isn’t perfect? WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMY YOU SPEAK OF.
“but in the meantime, everyone is bewitched, bothered and bewildered, and no one more than the quarterback.”
That’s too many emotions to handle all at once. And they all start with “b!”
Your New York sports columnists, America.