Who’s Going To Draft Manti Te’o And Geno Smith?

  • Matt Rudnitsky

Geno Smith wasn’t selected in the first round of the 2013 NFL Draft, which was a relatively big shock. The Buffalo Bills decided on E.J. Manuel instead. Manti Naivité’o (that’s a pun for Manti Te’o… it’s because he was naive when he believed that his fake internet girlfriend was a real person, do you get it) wasn’t picked either, which was somewhat less of a shock. Presumably, it was because they didn’t want to deal with his “issues,” or his position’s relatively low value, or because everyone from Notre Dame is inherently overrated. Tyler Eifert had the same fate, as he was knocked up 66 spots on every media person and fan’s draft board because he’s relatively athletic and really tall and really white and has good hands is the same exact Fighting Irishman as Kyle Rudolph. (Seriously, they’re the same person.)

So, where will they go?

Geno Smith

Prediction: Geno Smith will go to a team that needs a quarterback. That team will also like Geno Smith.

Possible Desitations: Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars are currently on the clock. The Jaguars could use a quarterback, because Blaine Gabbert is simply a Flow-Haver. He does not throw accurate passes; he often doesn’t throw passes at all. He just sits back, let’s you bask in his Flow, and then gets sacked. The Jags didn’t think Geno was worthy of a first-round pick, but they may think he’s worthy of a second-rounder. But there’s also word they like Ryan Nassib. Geno has a cooler first name, but Nassib has a cooler last name. It’s a tough choice for owner Shahid Khan, who has a cool moustache.

New York Jets: The Jets are loaded at quarterback! They’ve got a guy who has been to two AFC Championship games, a guy with a Heisman Trophy and two BCS Championships, and then another guy with a BCS Championship! Can you say, logjam!

But you know the saying: when the rich get richer, the Big Apple gives you quarterback lemonade!

(Note: This was written by a delusional Jets fan who still doesn’t understand what is going on in this world.)

Houston Texans: Matt Schaub is the Mark Sanchez of the Texans, running backwards, at 100 miles per hour, while his talented team races forward at 110. If they don’t do something soon, there will be buttfumbles.

Who gets him? The Jags, I guess.

Manti Naivité’o

New York Giants: Te’o would fit right in in New York, where people will make fun of him incessantly and he won’t understand that they’re mocking him. The city is very large, too, so it has a large population of dumb people. He could make friends. The Giants could use a linebacker, and they already have a likable one, so they might as well add a “polarizing” one.

Chicago Bears: He would make Bears fans forget Brian Urlacher, because he will bring Tebowian media attention and they won’t be able to hear about anything else.

Baltimore Ravens: From lying, possible murderer, to lying, nice guy. The start of a new era.

Who gets him? He goes undrafted, starts a two-man football league with Tim Tebow and they make all of the TV money.

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