SportsGrid’s NFL Picks, Week 8: We’re One Week Closer To No More Greg Schiano
The SportsGrid Bacchanal is a weekly NFL picks column that will drain your bank account with a smile. Floyd Mayweather approves this message.
Remember this photo? I could not laugh at this because it could have been me. I sweat with disgusting aggression at all times. If the air conditioning is not on full blast, tiny dots of sweat appear all over my shirt. And my armpits by this time are completely drenched, because Old Spice stands NO CHANCE against my armpits. It is battle that is waged and lost daily.
Someone suggested I wear an undershirt to soak up the sweat, and this works like a charm. Though it has the unfortunate side effect of making me hotter by virtue of wearing another layer, so I start sweating some more. But my handsome outermost layer remains completely dry, so the only shred of evidence of my sweaty misery is the goobs of water in my hair. Mike Francesca gets away with it on television every day, so I'm IN THE CLEAR.
Basically what I'm saying is do not sit next to me for extended periods of time. Good thing I get to yell at you from inside your computer.
Anyway, picks. Off we go. Home team starred.
Minnesota Vikings* (-5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Every Bucs loss is a victory for the NFL because Greg Schiano is one step closer to getting fired. Schiano is the kind of guy who refers to jeans as "blue jeans" or "dungarees." Schiano is the kind of guy who wakes up the second the alarm goes off. Schiano is the kind of guy who expects dinner at 6:30 on the dot and counts the pieces of broccoli on his plate to make sure he gets just the right amount of fiber. Schiano is the kind of guy who firmly rotates the pages of his newspaper so everyone in the room knows he's reading the newspaper. Schiano is the kind of guy who reviles television because it "melts your brain" but has never read a book in his life. All of these things should be punishable by law.
We need more coaches like Leslie Frazier. I would trust this man to be around my children. I could have a drink with him and be reassured by a sound piece of life advice. "WOAH, philosophizing me more, GENIUS MAN." I could cry on his shoulder when I jam my finger playing rec league basketball (because that shit hurts a fuck ton).
Note: I have no evidence of Leslie Frazier's character other than his longingly soft facial features.
St. Louis Rams* (+7) over New England Patriots
Why does every AFC East team refuse to capitalize on the Patriots' piss poor play this season? New England leads the division with a 4-3 record, which is good enough for first place in exactly two divisions in the entire NFL: the AFC East and the AFC West. Boston does not deserve this. They've won exactly 85 titles with their four sports teams in the last decade.
You know why everyone picks the Bills, Jets and Dolphins as sleeper teams every year? Because everyone wishes they'd wake the fuck up and get rid of the Patriots. You can't keep signing reincarnations of Reche Caldwell and keep winning. Football isn't supposed to work that way. You have to become bad enough to make your star QB disgruntled, force him to retire, then watch him come back with another team as you rebuild from scratch in the toughest division in football. This is how shit works in the rest of the NFL (or at least Cincinnati), so that's how it should work for the Pats, too.
And Bill Belichick's sweatshirt is the most tiresome apparel-insignia ever. Yet somehow people still beat to the OMG SWEATSHIRT HARD WORKER MAN OF THE PEOPLE drum. I hope the little strings that adjust the hood size become dislodged and make the hood size-adjusters inoperable.
Indianapolis Colts (+3.5) over Tennessee Titans*
You know how you know you're old as shit? When your head coach chooses the young guy with a separated shoulder and horrid performances over your 4th quarter-comebacking corpse. Mike Munchak declared Jake Locker the starter earlier this week, even though Matt Hasselbeck is playing well and the former is still injured. Consider this your retirement grace period, Matt.
Atlanta Falcons (+2.5) over Philadelphia Eagles*
Based on this line, people are clearly still under the delusion that Philadelphia is a good team. This is also the only NFL matchup where every fan in the stadium openly hates Michael Vick for purely football reasons. That is a rather small portion of the population, so we should mark the occasion with a gift. How about a dog? No, wait, that already happened.
Miami Dolphins (+2.5) over New York Jets*
Don't let Mark Sanchez's 90.3 QB rating last week fool you into thinking all is well, because it's not. He's historically successful against the Pats because New England hasn't had a solid pass defense since Ty Law left the team. If the last contest between these two teams was any indication (which Miami won by accident), be glad that you don't get the CBS New York affiliate on Sunday.
Everyone should be allowed to choose which game to watch ahead of time without having to invest in NFL Sunday Ticket or some other package deal. Say, on Wednesday, your cable provider sends you an email and asks you which game you'd like in each time slot. This way no one would have to be subjected to the shitfest that will be Miami-New York while Atlanta and Philadelphia slug it out in a 45-45 game with 1:00 minute left.
The worst is when they cut to game breaks of really exciting games. "Holy shit, Rob Gronkowski caught a TD to tie it at 38 with 45 seconds remaining? Can St. Louis get in field goal range in time for the game winner (This will not happen, by the way)? I don't know, fuckheads, back to Mark Sanchez throwing incompletions."
Oakland Raiders (+1) over Kansas City Chiefs*
Vegas does this every week - planting a mind-boggling spread with some insider information. WHAT DO YOU KNOW, VEGAS?!? Brady Quinn will be starting for the Chiefs, which would have been an exciting prospect only for the first four weeks of the 2007 season. Jamaal Charles could always have one of those 250-yard performances that mitigates your frustration at the two a's in his first name, but don't count on it. Even his middle name, according to Wikipedia's all-knowing sources, has two a's where they don't belong (RaShaad).
Arizona Cardinals* (+6.5) over San Francisco 49ers
What bizzaro season are we in that this is a rather exciting Monday Night Football matchup? What bizzaro season are win that the NFC West is one of the most talented and competitive divisions in football? Maybe Roger Goodell and his goonies screaming about parity all the time isn't such a bad thing, so even the saddest of franchises know that things can be turned around in an instant. Maybe that's why Cleveland fans will never go away, knowing that the Super Bowl is just one 29-year-old rookie quarterback away!
Jacksonville Jaguars (+15.5) over Green Bay Packers*
San Diego Chargers* (-2.5) over Cleveland Browns
Seattle Seahawks (+2.5) over Detriot Lions*
Carolina Panthers (+7.5) over Chicago Bears*
Pittsburgh Steelers* (-4.5) over Washington Redskins
New York Giants (-2) over Dallas Cowboys*
New Orleans Saints (+6) over Denver Broncos*
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