Super Bowl Commercial Power Rankings: Wrongfully Accused Ostrich Will Have His Revenge, In This Life Or The Next

  • Rick Chandler

The power, the glory, the naked commercialism … the trailers. Here are the most promising 2014 Super Bowl commercials so far, as presented in trailer form, with a couple of actual full commercials thrown in.

We’ll update these rankings as new Super Bowl commercials roll in, so check back every day. Top eight for the first go-round, because many of these don’t really excite us all that much so far (including the Bud Light Arnold and Llama teasers. Sorry).

1. Axe Body Spray. In “Axe Peace: Make Love, Not War”, Axe poses the eternal question: what if all the world’s most war-loving leaders and their minions all started the day with a refreshing dose of scented liquid? Included here I see, apparently, is the Vietnam War, which predates Axe by a full decade. Better idea for that spot: how about Chris Christie getting sprayed down (shudder), then canceling the George Washington Bridge closure?

2. Jaguar USA. A short teaser for their “British Villains” spot, which proves what I’ve been saying for the past two years: Tom Hiddleston needs to be the villain in every movie from now on.

3. Dannon Oikos Yogurt. The terrifyingly surreal quality of this commercial cannot be understated — I think each one of us at one time has awaken in a cold sweat having dreamed just such a scenario. You and your former roommates, now in late middle age, all still living together. And the image of Dave Coulier in footy pajamas is just too jarring for network TV, in my opinion. Anyway, the three “Full House” stars are reuniting for multiple ads during the game (John Stamos has been a spokesman for Dannon for the past couple of years). Good luck getting to sleep tonight.

4. Volkswagon. Apparently things have gone horribly wrong back in the lab. The makers of my favorite Super Bowl commercial — little Darth Vader –have been traditionally strong during the big game. But as this teaser demonstrates, it’s not an exact science.

5. Doritos. The company’s “Crash the Super Bowl” contest is down to five finalists, and this one is our favorite. Because, wrongfully accused ostrich.

6. SodaStream. Has Scarlett Johansson jumped the shark? We’ll find out soon, when this commercial debuts during the game. This is a “behind-the-scenes” look at her ad for SodaStream, where stock has been plummeting recently: apparently the Israeli company has set up factories in the occupied West Bank, which is rubbing a lot of people the wrong way. Nice timing, Scarlett!

7. Doritos. Here’s another finalist, as we see a young Justin Bieber making morally questionable decisions when his mom asks for help unloading the groceries. This makes the list primarily for the final scene, in which the mom cheers her young son being painfully hogtied.

8. Doritos. In which a doofus is conned by a kid to hand over his delicious bag of flavored chips. Left unmentioned is why the boy has set up this elaborate scam in someone else’s front yard — someone who seems to hate him, no less.

READ: Everything You Wanted To Know About The 2014 Super Bowl Commercials (But Were Afraid To Ask) [SportsGrid]