Texans Take Clowney, Bortles Goes At No. 3, And Manziel Wasn't Really Drinking A Beer (With Updates)

  • Rick Chandler

The NFL Draft is happening. Where’s Kevin Costner? Was Manziel drinking beer? (He wasn’t). Let’s check out what’s happening so far (latest news first).

32. Vikings select Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville. Seattle will pick No. 40, in second round.

Did Ray Lewis really just say “What happens off the field comes back to you on the field”? Really?

No. 31: Denver chooses Bradley Roby, CB, Ohio State. Sounds like Gruden hates him. ESPN showing a lowlight reel. Harsh.

No. 30: San Francisco gets Jimmie Ward, safety, Northern Illinois. The first 49er in 44 years to have no connection to Candlestick Park.

No. 29: Belichick picks Dominiqe Easley, DE, Florida. Let me guess: Ray Lewis loves his story.

No. 28: Panthers get WR Kelvin Benjamin, FSU (Free Seafood University).

No. 27: Cardinals take Deone Bucannon, safety, Washington State. You could almost hear the crowd saying “Who?”

No. 26: Eagles choose DE Marcus Smith, Louisville.

No. 25: The Chargers pick Jason Verrett, cornerback, TCU.

This just in: when he wears his reading gasses, Jon Gruden looks just like River Phoenix in “Explorers”.

No. 24: Bengals choose cornerback Darqueze Dennard, Michigan State.

No. 23: Kansas City just picked Dee Ford, DE, Auburn. Can’t help but feel the Chiefs would have picked Manziel if he’d been there.

ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio just said that a homeless person is responsible for the Browns drafting Manziel.

Manziel tells ESPN “It was all part of God’s plan.”

No. 22: Browns pick Johnny Manziel. COSTNER YOU GENIUS.

No. 21: Roger Goodell: “With the 21st pick in the NFL Draft, the Green Bay Packers pick Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, safety, Alabama.” That right there was worth the wait.

Oh, @NFL_Access, you silly confused bastards. Brandin Cooks played for OREGON STATE.

No. 20:

No. 19: Miami Dolphins choose Ja’Wuan James, OT Tennessee. Will he get Richie Incognito’s locker?

Jets pick Calvin Pryor, safety, Louisville.

No. 18: Jets pick BOOOOO.

Jets fans warming up their larynxes like athletes warming up their hamstrings.

No. 17: Ravens get C.J. Mosley, LB, Alabama.

No. 16: Cowboys pick Zack Martin, offensive guard, Notre Dame, to a rich, luxurious mixture of cheers and boos.

If Dallas takes Manziel, Twitter will explode and it will trigger The Rapture.

No. 15: Steelers get Ryan Shazier, linebacker, Ohio State. YOU’RE WITH ME SHAZIER.

Bears pick Kyle Fuller, DB, Virginia Tech. Jon Gruden: “He is a savage.”

No. 14: Chicago Bears PICK OF MYSTERY.

No. 13:

No. 12:

Big day for Eric Ebron, eh?

No. 11: The Titans have picked Michigan OT Taylor Lewan.

Wait, here comes Barry Sanders (no walkup music). Sanders takes the mic and begins to sing. No … he’s announcing that the Lions have taken North Carolina tight end Eric Ebron.

No. 10: Detroit Lions PICK OF MYSTERY.

No. 9: Vikings select UCLA’s Anthony Barr, a linebacker.

No. 8: The Browns choose Oklahoma State cornerback Justin Gilbert. Manziel would have been an interesting pick here, no? You’re fired, Costner.

Browns trade back up, sending No. 9 pick (from Bills) and a No. 5 in 2015 to the Vikings.

No. 7: Tampa Bay takes 6-foot-5 WR Mike Evans of Texas A&M.

No. 6: The Atlanta Falcons take Texas A&M offensive tackle Jake Matthews.

No. 5: Raiders take linebacker Khalil Mack.

No. 4: The Bills choose Clemson wide receiver Sammy Watkins. Couldn’t the Browns have used him? Hmm.

The Browns traded the No. 4 pick to the Buffalo Bills. (Bills gave up ninth overall pick in this draft, plus first- and fourth-round picks in 2015).

No. 3:

No. 2: The St. Louis Rams pick Auburn offensive tackle Greg Robinson.

No. 1: The Texans choo-choo-choose Jadeveon Clowney of South Carolina. They hid that well … never heard a spoiler.