The 11 Best Names That We Hope Are Called In This Year’s NFL Draft

  • Eric Goldschein

The 2013 NFL Draft is tomorrow, and you know what that means: hours of Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay staring directly into your soul and somehow spouting fountains of information on hundreds of college football players as they become professional athletes. It’s an exciting time for these young men, and a ceaseless bore for everyone else who just wants to know what their team will be getting.

By far the best thing about the draft is hearing the outrageous names that some of these kids have. Key & Peele set up the concept last year, and we laughed, because though the names were outlandish… they didn’t seem impossible (D’Isiah T. Billings-Clyde, anyone?).

So as a new crop of players emerges from around the nation, lets rank our favorite names and see where they’ll be headed — hopefully, to a team near you. Likely destinations according to

11. Margus Hunt

What’s his deal?: DE, SMU.

Where’s he going?: Steelers, 48th pick.

That name?: Margus? I mean… Margus? Like if Martin and Gus had a baby?

10. David Quessenberry

What’s his deal?: OT, San Jose State

Where’s he going?: Saints, 109th pick.

That name?: It’s like, he lures you in with “David” and then, BAM, Quessenberry. What does a quessenberry taste like? Is it poisonous? Please advise.

9. Baccari Rambo

What’s his deal?: S, Georgia

Where’s he going?: Cowboys, 80th pick.

That name?: This man will go on to star in action films that are produced by Bacardi.

8. Cornelius Washington

What’s his deal?: DE, Georgia

Where’s he going?: Lions, 36th pick.

That name?: This one isn’t crazy — it’s crazy presidential. It’s the most presidential name since Franklin D. Roosevelt.

7. Tank Carradine

What’s his deal?: DE, Florida State

Where’s he going?: Giants, 19th pick.

That name?: Another potential action hero, Tank Carradine is what kids call themselves when playing Secret Agent in the backyard. “Call me Carradine. Tank Carradine.”

6. Shamarko Thomas

What’s his deal?: S, Syracuse

Where’s he going?: Redskins, 51st pick.

That name?: Is he part shark? Unless his father’s name is Shawn Mark O., I don’t want any part of this.

5. Star Lotulelei

What’s his deal?: DT, Utah

Where’s he going?: Eagles, 4th pick.

That name?: Star is lucky he’s so good at football and monster truck-big, because otherwise he’d still be trying to get out of the locker the seniors stuffed him in.

4. Da’Rick Rogers

What’s his deal?: WR, Tennessee Tech

Where’s he going?: Ravens, 94th pick.

That name?: Da Rick is the name of a rapper with zero imagination.

3. Khaseem Greene

What’s his deal?: OLB, Rutgers

Where’s he going?: Lions, 132nd pick.

That name?: Khaseem Greene flew here from the inside of a Dr. Seuss book. He just wants to get lean and live out his dream, know what I mean? Hopefully he doesn’t rupture his spleen while trying to get clean.

2. Stansly Maponga

What’s his deal?: DE, TCU

Where’s he going?: Bills, 177th pick.

That name?: This dude is like the King of England, if the King decided to relocate to Zimbabwe. His mother’s name is Barbara Green so who knows what happened there.

1. Barkevious Mingo

What’s his deal?: OLB, LSU

Where’s he going?: Jets, 9th pick.



Photo via Getty