The 17 Best Excerpts From Confused Aussie Writer’s Live Blog Of Jarryd Hayne’s 49ers’ Debut
Levi's Stadium was infested with Australian journalists on Monday night, who were there of course to cover the NFL debut of 49ers running back Jarryd Hayne, the former Australian National Rugby League player.
Most notable among these scribes was Mike Cleary, a columnist for The Guardian, who was tasked with writing a live blog of the game. And boy did he write the hell out of that thing. Cleary admits that he knows little about American football, but his crackpot writing style more thank makes up for it.
Here are the top 17 excerpts from Cleary's live blog. Enjoy.
Quarterback fakes to throw, fakes again, runs over the line of scrimmage and falls onto his tummy lest anyone hurt him. You’d be teased for that in rugby league and penalised.
Here’s the Hayne Plane! His first touch in the NFL. And... he drops it? Oh my goodness me, he drops it! His first touch is a fumble! He’s grassed it. Oh my.
Oh, Hayne Plane, that was not in the script. Hopefully he is not shunned and ostracised by his team-mates, particularly with Reggie Bush heading out of Levi’s on a medicab.
Another break. More breaks than Alcatraz. That’s a poor analogy. There were no breaks from Alcatraz. Or was there? Sean Connery made one in that silly film with Nicolas Cage in which Sean says: ‘Yes I will look after your Humvee,’ or something.
Tomsula looks like he’s eaten an onion sandwich.
Giant men have thundered up guts. And Jarryd Hayne, the rookie running man from Parramatta Eels, a rugby league team, grassed his first touch and made the odd first-down, and didn’t stuff anything else up after Reggie Bush went off with an ankle injury.
The Niners are third and five .... 12 yards out from the honeypot.
The kicker’s like a little Hobbit! A tiny little man! He’s a jockey! Ha. Top stuff, Walshy.
Righto, where are we? The swapping of Special Teams for offensive and defensive units. You wonder why they need 53 players per team. Surely they could swap a few in and out. Anyway. Vikings kick off into the nothingness and the ball comes back to the 20 yard line.
There’s Adrian Peterson on the big screen, a fine and shiny bald head, watching on as Carlos Hyde goes nearly all the way.
Top stuff from Fabulous Phil Dawson who nails a field goal and heads off for a well earned rest. Ha. Good luck to him. Forty years old, booting the pill between two big sticks for pretty good coin, better than working.
He throws to No12, a huge man who looks not unlike Flash Gordon in the hit film from 1980, Flash Gordon.
Bridgewater starting to throw the hamburger, now. He gains several yards for his squadron with a pass to No44, Asiata. Then he’s sacked. Couldn’t tell you why it’s called that. But sacked he was, Teddy, sacked like a poor employee.
And surely now it’s time to release the man, the enigma, the rugby playing kangaroo man, Jarryd “Hayne Plane and/or Train” Hayne. What’s the worst can happen?
And they swap all the players over and decide to use one of the 9,000 moves in the playbook, who could remember all that stuff? Who would want to? It would send a man mad. Stone crazy. The worst kind of crazy.
Couple of minutes to go. Carlos Hyde again, a human battering ram. They risk using him up. He’s being bashed up like a packet of crackers.
The clock is counting down. And everyone’s shaking hands! Everyone’s on the field, camera people, everyone. And there’s the siren for full-time and it’s, ha, like a fog horn from the Titanic, which is how the Vikings have fared this evening.
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