New Jacksonville Jaguars Nike Uniforms Could Be The Most Horrific Things Ever Fashioned By Humans

  • Rick Chandler

So you thought those new UConn football helmets were bad, huh? They’ll seem like a breath of clean, fresh mountain air when the new Jacksonville Jaguars uniforms escape their enclosure. That’s according to Paul Lukas of UniWatch and ESPN, that is. You’re gonna want to brace yourselves for this, NFL fans.

As you probably know, the Jaguars have already revamped their logo. But if what Lukas has uncovered is true (and he stresses that the information is still unofficial), here’s a description of what their new unis — made by Nike — will look like:

I’ve heard from a source who’s provided fairly detailed information (but no images) about the new Jags set. I have tried but failed to verify this information, so I can’t say for sure that it’s accurate. I will say, however, that this source has provided me with accurate information in the past — including accurate information about the Jaguars — so I tend to trust him.

Here’s a breakdown of what he told me:

1) The leaked image posted a month ago was indeed legit. It showed a replica of the black home jersey.

2) The Jags logo patch on the jersey is facing toward the left because the unis will have a military theme (collar devices and patches in the military face toward the heart).

3) Continuing with the military theme, the players’ last names will appear the front of the jersey under the patch, to mimic the look of a military uniform.

4) The sleeves will have a multi-colored design similar to the what the Falcons have, featuring black, gold, chrome, and teal. In the leaked image you can see the beginnings of some silver/chrome stripe patterns starting on the shoulder area.

OK, that’s bad, but at least my eyes aren’t tearing up from the description. Wait, there’s more?

5) The jersey will have side panels with some sort of design that will continue into the pants design.

6) The helmet shell will be two-tone — starting out gold and then fading into black.

7) The logo will be somewhat larger than normal for an NFL helmet — think Boise State’s Pro Combat helmet.

8) There will be an alternate teal jersey.

Holy mother of God.

Hey, we could all be wrong and these uniforms will look really swell. (Laugh track).

Nike of course will not be happy until they redesign every uniform in the NFL — I already can’t stand the little collar designs the installed for about three-quarters of the teams last season. My guess is that Nike will have a difficult time getting their mitts on the uniforms of the Cowboys, Steelers and Raiders, whose fans would riot if something like the Jaguars’ scheme was attempted. Al Davis would find a way to come back from the dead, waving a machine gun while riding on Jerry Jones’ shoulders into Nike headquarters. No one wants that.

And could you imagine Tim Tebow wearing that Jacksonville ensemble? Still might happen, kids.