The Ray Lewis Guide To Getting Away With Murder (This Is For You, Aaron Hernandez)

  • Zach Berger

In this day and age, it isn’t all that easy to get away with a crime as serious as murder, which is unfortunate for former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, who was arrested today and charged with murder following the death of a semi-pro football player. But thankfully for Aaron, he can look back on the classic Ray Lewis method and if he executes it to perfection, he’ll get off scot-free.

As you probably remember, Lewis was and two friends were arrested when two men were killed following a Super Bowl celebration party back in 2000. There was a fight. Two people were stabbed. Blood was found on Lewis’ suit and in his limo. Lewis was sentenced to 12 months probation while his two friends were found innocent in court.

There were three steps to the Ray Lewis plan of attack to stay out of prison and on the football field. If Aaron Hernandez wants to avoid jail time and the end of his football career, he’s going to need to follow them very closely. Without further ado, here is The Ray Lewis Guide To Getting Away With Murder:

Step 1. Agree to testify in court against your two friends in exchange for the murder charges against yourself being dropped. Tell your friends to play along with your story and not to contradict you, but not to admit to anything either. Go over the case with a legal expert and make sure that the testimony you plan on giving is strong enough to convince the prosecution to drop your charges, but not strong enough to actually convict your friends. That way, you get probation for originally lying about what happened, your friends are found innocent, and everyone goes home happy.

Step 2. Whenever somebody questions you about the murder case for the rest of your life, use your religious beliefs to steer the line of questioning elsewhere. Here’s a great example from Ray Lewis himself when he was asked about the murders in a press conference before the 2013 Super Bowl:

Nobody here is really qualified to ask those questions. I just truly feel that this is God’s time, and whatever his time is, you know, let it be his will. Don’t try to please everybody with your words, try to make everybody’s story sound right. At this time, I would rather direct my questions in other places. Because I live with that every day. You maybe can take a break from it. I don’t. I live with it every day of my life and I would rather not talk about it today.

So, what happened there is that Lewis decided on God’s behalf that its God’s time, even though he says that time is God’s will. And when its God’s time, as Lewis decided that it is, you can’t ask him questions about his involvement in murders. Is a reporter going to tell you that it isn’t “God’s time” and make you answer the question? Never. In essence, this is a loophole to avoid answering questions about murder and it works flawlessly every single time.

Step 3. In the third and final step, you pay off the family of the murder victim(s) in an out-of-court settlement, but make sure that the settlement involves a nondisclosure agreement so that the family can not mention what it was for. If you are ever asked about the settlement my the media, either explain that you can not talk about it or simply invoke the loophole described in Step 2.

There you have it. If Aaron Hernandez wants to avoid going to jail and keep his two friends out of jail too, all he has to do is follow this simple plan and all of the issues will disappear. He might even be able to win a Super Bowl 13 years later and after that everyone will ignore the fact that he might have murdered somebody and ESPN might even hire him as an analyst, but we’re talking in hypotheticals here.

[Disclaimer: Ray Lewis was only found guilty of obstruction of justice. The murder charges against him were dropped, so he of course did not “get away with murder.”]