The Top Five Cities That Do, And Do Not, Deserve Super Bowl Titles This Season
The NFL Scouting Combine is in the books, and teams who have no business dreaming of greatness are doing so anyway. Think that your team has no chance to hoist the Lombardi Trophy in 2017? Well, what if I told you that through an accidental event known only to a handful of astrophysicists, I have been struck by a space crystal and given the power to create the next Super Bowl champion?
Now, I could just use my new powers to make my hometown 49ers a superteam. But fortunately for you, I am a benevolent god. I shall use my magic gift to annoint the most deserving team, and the 49ers are not it. But I will also curse the least deserving team, assuring they never get to the Super Bowl again.
Who shall it be? I've created a list of finalists below. Behold:
Most Deserving Teams To Win A Super Bowl
5. Detroit Lions
There was a time, believe it or not, when people talked about the Lions as a dynasty. That was the 1950s, when TV westerns dominated, Davy Crockett was our hero and Detroit was winning three NFL Championships (1952, 1953, 1957). It was a simpler time. From 1950-55, Doak Walker was the starting halfback, placekicker and punter. But since '57, nothing. They've won three division titles and made the playoffs a handful more times since then, but haven't sniffed the Lombardi Trophy. What region of the country deserves it more? What fan base is hungrier? I have no ties to Detroit whatsoever, but I would love to see them win one.
4. Minnesota Vikings
Sure Fran Tarkenton is kind of an annoying butthole now -- it wouldn't surprise me if he's endorsed Trump. But in the day he was the wily quarterback who brought the Vikings to the brink of glory three times -- Super Bowl appearances in 1973, 1974, and 1976. They were denied each time, losing to the Dolphins, Steelers and Raiders. They also lost to the Chiefs in '69, when Joe Kapp was the QB. But Minnesota folks are so nice, dontcha know. Why has the good Lord chosen to shut them out? Well, as Margie said to her husband, Norm, when he came in third in the stamp contest: "You got the 2-cent! Whenever they raise the postage, people need the little stamps." Time for Minnesota to get the Forever Stamp, I say. Their fans deserve it.
3. Buffalo Bills
The Bills won two AFL Championships, in 1964 and 1965, and then a curtain of sadness descended on western New York unlike any the nation has ever seen. The Bills went to four straight Super Bowls, from 1990-93, and lost every one. The first was on Scott Norwood's infamous "wide right" field goal attempt in the final seconds vs. the Giants. There was no joy in Cheektowga that night, my friends. I believe that the Bills must exorcise these demons before we as a species can move forward. And 2016-17 would be the perfect window, before global warming makes Buffalo more tolerable. Then the ice can crack and melt around Ralph Wilson Stadium, the runoff forming a cool, lazy river leading through the city. And it shall be a river of victory which will eventually put out the fire above.
2. San Diego Chargers
Did you know that the Chargers' original owner was Barron Hilton, son of Hilton Hotels mogul Conrad Hilton? Yes, if you're a Chargers fan, you have family ties to Paris Hilton. They began in Los Angeles in 1960, moved to San Diego the next year, and have been there ever since. But evil forces are trying to lure the team back to LA: a broiling hellscape of spec scripts and strip clubs not suited for decent people. The Chargers' weakness is that they haven't won anything since 1963 (AFL Championship). But I feel for their fans, who have put up with so much. Will the team move to LA and share a stadium with the Rams? Or will it stay in San Diego and give the city the Super Bowl win it so rightly deserves? I say move the Comic-Con to LA, and keep the Chargers.
1. Cleveland Browns
The Browns have become a national punchline in recent years, not in small part due to the fact that they've had 24 starting quarterbacks since 1999, and have never been to a Super Bowl. Mike Holmgren tried to turn things around and even Kevin Costner tried to help. Nothing has worked. But chances are you don't know who you're dealing with. For a 20-year stretch from 1946 to 1966, the Browns were a dynasty -- possibly the greatest pro football has ever seen. After winning four straight titles in the All-American Football Conference (1946-49), they moved to the NFL where they won four more (1950, 1954, 1955, 1964). At one point the Browns appeared in 10 consecutive NFL Championship Games. The Paul Brown coaching tree is possibly the greatest ever, producing Bill Walsh, among dozens of others. But when Art Modell moved the team to Baltimore in 1995, a curse came over the land. The Browns were resurrected in 1999, but have never won a division title since, and appeared in the playoffs only once (2002). It's time to bring back the glory -- to set the Cuyahoga River on fire once again and drive out old ghosts. Let it be so.
Don't Deserve A Super Bowl Win
5. New England Patriots
Outside of Massachusetts, is there anyone who wants another Patriots Super Bowl parade? In 98 percent of the country there is a Cold War in progress and New England is the Soviet Union. I love Tom Brady, but enough is enough.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers
First of all, the Steelers already have six trophies, most recently in 2008. Share the wealth, you knobs. Secondly (but really firstly-1a), Ben Roethlisberger. I hate his meaty face, his lumbering gait, and just everything about him. I know that he's been convicted of nothing, but that rape allegation hangs over him like a smelly ham necklace. I'm just not down with any fan base that can idolize that guy. Also, as much as they try to mask it, that whole football scene in The Dark Knight Rises is all about the Steelers. Hines Ward is in it. The uniform colors pretty much match. And when Bane took over the stadium, not one of their fans lifted a finger to stop him. Screw you guys.
3. San Francisco 49ers
You may know that I'm a 49ers fan -- I wept openly when they left Candlestick Park, then wept again when I saw concession prices at the new place in Santa Clara. In Little League, our playing field was on one end of the 49ers practice field (this is true). But Jed York and Trent Baalke have mishandled events so thoroughly over the past three seasons that the only thing that would surprise me at this point would be a Sarah Palin endorsement. Perfect example: Baalke says last week that the team expects to keep Colin Kaepernick on its roster, then the very next day, Kaepernick's agent asks for a trade. Why announce something like that without checking? And what was with the Jim Tomsula hiring? Right now it's a clown car heading toward a cliff. The franchise has 5 Super Bowl trophies since 1982 -- I'm satisfied for now.
2. Seattle Seahawks
Probably because I'm a 49ers fan, and certainly because of Richard Sherman, I wish nothing but gloom, despair and painful cold sores on Seattle fans. This is a franchise that rubs me the wrong way -- a bandwagon set loose downhill as fans with brand new Seahawks jerseys jump on with their Ivar's fast food bags and Vern Fonk auto insurance keychains. Even the ones who've been around since the team's inception, in 1976, are relative newcomers. If your throwback jerseys are no more than a slightly different color than your current jerseys, you haven't paid your dues. And why are people in denial about Pete Carroll being run out of USC for being a shady flim-flam man? Plus, they already have a trophy. I've lived in Seattle, I love the Pacific Northwest, but Seahawks fans annoy me. No soup for you.
1. Dallas Cowboys
(By Lew Patton of Dallas, Texas): The Dallas Cowboys absolutely do NOT deserve a super bowl title this season because they're the joke of the NFL. Jerry Jones is the major clown and is in so much love with Tony Romo, he thinks that Tony, who is 39, can play until he's 70. The talk in Dallas is we know we need a new quarterback to groom for the future, but Jerry won’t have any talk like that to disrupt his pretty old quarterback Romo. How can the Cowboys deserve anything except being the bottom of the NFL East pool with some old, tired, rich owner who knows nothing about football, but does know how to put fancy art in the stadium? Frankly, I am surprised the Cowboys have any fans. I am also surprised how they are one of the most recognized icons in the sports industry ever. I don’t understand it. Tom Landry I can understand. Jerry Jones? Never.
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