They Wiped Out Tom Brady’s Home Town, And Entire County, In The New, Official Super Bowl Poster
Hey, according to this official Super Bowl 50 poster, you can take a cable car from San Francisco to the Super Bowl. How convenient. All aboard for fun!
Except you can't. And that's just the first blunder I noticed in this Charles Fazzino Golden Anniversary Super Bowl 50 poster, now available for fans of inaccurate maps and fictional places everywhere. Fazzino has produced op-art Super Bowl maps for the past 15 years, and yes, I realize that it's not drawn to scale. But some things here are downright Alice-through-the-looking-glass crazy, as if the artist ingested psychedelic wild mushrooms from the Marin headlands before creating it.
This isn't the San Francisco Peninsula, it's fucking Narnia:
1. Tom Brady's entire county has been eliminated. Brady is a native of San Mateo County, where he attended Serra High School (which also gave us Barry Bonds and Lynn Swann). But there's no sign of it here. The San Mateo Bridge is also gone, as is Palo Alto and a large chunk of Santa Clara County, including Stanford University. That little pocket of water on the left there? That's Crystal Springs Reservoir, I assume. So the artist has placed a boat in our drinking water. Thanks!
I'm sure that Brady -- who may be playing in this game, will be delighted to hear that his hometown was not important enough to be depicted.
2. Yep, that's one of San Francisco's iconic cable cars, pulling up right outside of Levi's Stadium. Cable cars are found exclusively in San Francisco, and not 35 miles south, as shown here. The big drawback to constructing Levi's Stadium down the Peninsula was that you lost SF's exotic touches. So stop trying to wedge them in here.
3. Too much parking at Levi's Stadium. Seriously, 15 cars and a bus is way too many vehicles for their real parking lot.
4. Coit Tower is in the Presidio? It's on the complete other side of The City, you nitwit.
5. Candlestick Point is also gone. Candlestick Park? Five Super Bowl wins and decades of 49ers tradition? Ahh, who needs it?
6. Hey everyone! Let's take the ferry to Mountain View!
7. Fazzino has labeled this "The San Francisco Bay Area", and that's also wildly inaccurate. The Bay Area stretches from the coast, across the Bay to Oakland, and to points east, among them Livermore and Vallejo. And south to San Jose. And north through Marin County. The map above depicts the San Francisco Peninsula.
But Fazzino was on a mission, and that didn't really include accuracy. From the NFL press release:
“It’s the Golden Anniversary for Super Bowl. It’s historic,” said Fazzino. “So, I wanted the artwork to reflect that. We’ve incorporated lots of Swarovski crystals into the edition, as well as gold accents and embellishments. The footballs on the premiere edition will even be embellished with 24-karat gold leaf. We wanted this edition to be very, very special. I’m looking forward to showing it in San Francisco.”
Ah. For a minute there I forgot that this is the NFL we're dealing with.
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