This ‘No Gays In The NFL’ Bill Is An Absolute Joke

  • Eric Goldschein

jack burkmanSometimes you read something on the Internet and you think, “This has got to be from The Onion. This cannot be real. This is satire that makes me recognize the stupidity of certain aspects of modern society.” Or something like that. “The American Decency Act of 2014” is one such example.

Except in the case of this proposed legislation, it’s real. Someone actually thinks this is important and needs to be passed by the United States government.

Below is the full text of the bill introduced by lobbyist Jack Burkman, which if you hadn’t heard would ban all openly gay people from playing in the NFL. This is, of course, government’s domain: Telling private companies how to conduct their business. Conservative politicians in particular always say “We need more government in our lives! Get out of my dreams and into my wallet and company guidelines!” Anyway, read this, if you can:

RESOLVED by the U.S. House of Representatives of the United States of America, that the following article is proposed as federal law under the jurisdiction of the United States of America, enforceable by Executive action.

BE it enacted by the House of Representatives and by the Senate of the United States of America in Congress assembled, that:

Section 1. The National Football League and all teams thereof are hereby prohibited from employing self-declared homosexual football players. This prohibition shall only apply in cases where a football player has openly declared himself to be a homosexual.

Section 2. The prohibition detailed in article (A) above shall not apply to any team of the National Football League that provides facilities for homosexual players which are entirely separate and distinct from the facilities used by heterosexual players.

Section 3. Provisions (A) and (B) above shall pre-empt all relevant state law.

Section 4. The US Department of Justice shall have the power to enforce this legislation by all appropriate means.

Section 5. Should one part of this legislation be deemed at any point unconstitutional, all other parts shall be considered separate and entirely severable for Federal Constitutional purposes.

Section 6. Each violation of (A) and (B) above shall result in a fine of not less than $3 million not more than $8 million.

In case you’re allergic to bullshit and can’t stomach reading through oppression disguised as legislation, let me highlight the salient points for you:

1. The league should ban openly gay football players. Since we can’t ban non-openly gay football players, we just have to trust that everyone who says they aren’t gay is not, in fact, gay. We won’t keep gay people out of the league, per se — we’ll just cover our ears and eyes and pretend like everything is exactly how we want it to be all the time.

2. If you do have gay people on your team, you need to provide separate facilities for them. If this doesn’t strike you as eerily similar to the “separate but equal” era of our nation’s history, the laws of which were eventually ruled unconstitutional, then good. We don’t need smart-asses in the league either.

3. Again, we normally would say no to government interfering in business. But fuck it! There are gays afoot!

4. How would we punish teams that employ gay players? Let’s fine them a completely arbitrary amount of money, like somewhere between $3 million and $8 million dollars. Sound good? No? Whatever.

Only a few insane representatives (and, reportedly, one insane senator) would ever consider attaching their name to the bill, so we don’t have to worry about becoming the butt of all jokes in western civilization. And Burkman has already lost business due to what his younger brother, an openly gay doctor in Seattle, called a “publicity stunt,” so eventually he’ll come to regret this foolishness.

But as we’ve said: In America, you have the right to be an idiot. Even if that means you have the right to introduce patently un-American legislation to the American legislative system.

Screencap via YouTube