Disaster-piece Theatre: How The 2004 Patriots Super Bowl Almost Got Us Nuked

  • Jake O'Donnell

XXXIX ring stolen

St. Petersburg, Russia – Do you remember when you were 9 and you brought your Gameboy on the bus, and one of the older kids asked to see it and never gave it back? That’s almost exactly what Vladimir Putin did to Pats owner Robert Kraft eight years ago.

Except with his super bowl ring.

That’s right, you read correctly, Vladimir Putin, the Grand Sultan/King/Premier/President/Asshole-in-Chief of that gigantic hat Asia wears pulled the ol’ lemme-see-that-oops-now-it’s-mine on the owner of the New England Patriots. It’d be cliché and unequivically false to say “you can’t make this up”, because you could. But why would you? What type of sick person makes up a story whereby Robert Kraft visits St. Petersburg in 2005, shows Putin his XXXIX Super Bowl ring, Putin says rather forebodingly “I can kill someone with this ring,” puts it in his pocket, and disappears into a sea of “KGB guys,” as Kraft calls them.

Oh, and Kraft was asked to cover the whole thing up by the Bush Administration because the fate of the free world rested in balance.

Well, something to that effect. Kraft was singing like a Canary a few days ago at Carnegie Hall’s Medal of Excellence gala (really, you tell this story at a Medal of Excellence gala in your honor?). “I had an emotional tie to the ring,” he said, presumably through tears of both sadness and utter terror — of which he carries around knowing full well that a guy in charge of over 1,000 ICBM nuclear warheads is a complete psychopath. “It has my name on it. I don’t want to see it on eBay,” he added, because Kraft, also, is a dueschbag, who has ties with monogrammed diamond jewelery and suspects world leaders hock shit on Ebay.

Kraft also claims he got a call from some high ranking Bush official trying to keep the world from exploding. “There was a pause on the other end of the line, and the voice repeated, ‘It would really be in the best interest if you meant to give the ring as a present.’” I can picture the headline: WORLD GOES TO WAR OVER TOM BRADY 4TH QUARTER HEROICS. Like, really? I’d like to think if Putin stole my Michael Jordan cardboard cutout (my prized sports possession) Obama would be like, “Ey, Vlad, cough it up fuck-face! That belongs in a museum!

Once again, you could make this up, but if you did, no one would listen to you because it’d be a whacky story for a human mind to concoct (put some fucking dragons and sex in it like Game of Thrones, damnit!)

The moral of the story is that Vladimir Putin does whatever the hell he wants, and from here on out, whenever anyone talks about Russia or WWIII or Caucasian geopolitics, you have to bring THIS up. Vladimir Putin strong armed a $25,000 diamond encrusted one-of-a-kind Super Bowl ring from an American billionaire. Imagine what he does to the Russian ones (hint: he kills them).

H/T New York Post