Ladies, Who Would You Rather: Eli Manning Or Tom Brady?

  • Dan Fogarty

In a recent poll conducted on website-for-cheating-people, 54% of married women said they’d rather have an affair with Eli Manning over Tom Brady. This is interesting, since conventional wisdom would say Brady wins this poll in a landslide: he’s been on the cover of Esquire, has a discernible jawline, and he’s impregnated not one, but two supermodels. If America is a high school, he is one of the cool kids.

Eli, meanwhile… is Eli. He looks like he should be building a fort, not leading an NFL team. He dresses like this when he goes out. The Onion once wrote this about him. Yet still, he beat Brady in that poll, 54% to 46%. And in another poll, prior to their last Super Bowl matchup, more women said he’d look better in HD than Brady. Surprising, right?

Which is why we need your help, dear reader. We don’t trust the crazy people on, because they are crazy. So, we pose the question to you. It’s a simple one: Eli or Brady?

For research purposes, I posed that very question to Sarah, who works in our office. Her answers were surprising, and helped shed light on this Eli-is-more-bangable-than-Brady phenomenon.

me: “I would rather have an affair with eli manning than tom brady,” say 54% of women who I assume are lying
Sarah: i would 100% have an affair with manning over brady
me: really?
Sarah: really!
me: why
eli’s such a dork
Sarah: i mean, tom brady seems real dumb
and he has a creepy smile

Sarah: that’s basically it
my skin is crawling!
me: yeah but have you seen…

Sarah:  aww
me:  he looks like

Sarah: ok
you make a good point
i don’t know what to tell you!
hang on i’m taking an informal poll of ladies
Sarah:  two are still thinking
one said brady
i didn’t realize i was that weird!
here’s what my friend said:
“Sarah:  ok but if relaysh wasn’t an option
[redacted]:  just sex? brady
[redacted]:  well he’s not going to be smiling while we bone.. he’s going to be making his o face”
there you have it
me:  so for sex, brady?
Sarah:  wait i have one vote for eli!
me: and if you’re hubbing up, eli?
these are two different questions
Sarah: they are
well, my friend’s vote for eli has been amended. she’s not attracted to him, she just hates tom brady too intensely
me: what are the results of the field study
Sarah: 1 vote for brady, 1 “death is not an option” vote for eli, and my other friend is lost in the weeds of google images i think
me: what about girls at the office?
you have to say out loud: “who would you bang, eli or tom brady”
Sarah: i have to say this out loud?
me: no but it would be much funnier if you did
Sarah: why not
it’s friday
Sarah: ok
i did it
[redacted] and [redacted] voted brady
[redacted] threw a curve ball at all of us and did F/M/K which resulted in marrying eli, killing tom and banging peyton?
i feel like i have more questions now than answers
Sent at 11:58 AM on Friday
Sarah: also the entire business side of the office votes tom brady
me:  so the business side of the office wants the business from tom brady. got it.
Sarah: yup
me: i’m putting all of this on the site