Team USA Doesn’t Want No Stinking Bronze Medal, Loses 5-0 To Finland

  • Jake O'Donnell

Well that was embarrassing. From potential heros and all that “the best team in the tournament” talk, to empty nets and empty necks — the U.S. hockey team got shellacked by the Fins. Did they pack it in? Of course they did — real Americans don’t bother with ordinary metals like bronze (which isn’t even on the periodic table because it’s some sort of copper-tin bullshit ripoff). Sounds like it’d give you an allergic reaction, anyways. Stay classy, Team USA — thanks for wasting all your goals on Slovenia or whoever (after which they’ve been shutout for six consecutive periods). And didn’t the women’s team already beat Finland 3-1 earlier in the tournament? Ya, so that counts. Series tied at 1-1. Consider this one a wash.

Have a beer on us and come back home ready to pretend like the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics never happen.

The loss, which is tied for the largest shutout loss in U.S. Men’s Olympic Hockey history, came on short rest after an admittedly exhausting contest against Canada, who’ll be playing Sweden tomorrow in the Gold medal game. Good for them.

Also, good for 43-year-old Teemu Selanne, who scored two goals despite being 43-years-old.

And good for Vladimir Putin, who’s consolation prize was hand-delivered by a country Russia annexed 80 years ago.*

Lastly, good for American NHL fans, who can go back to giving a fuck about the important version of the game, which is played in America, for money, because freedom and sweet cars and Twitter or something.

Suck it, Winter Olympic hockey. We’ll never forgive you for all this. Or this…

*Correction via message board

Photo via Getty