15 Ways Sepp Blatter’s Replacement Can Fix FIFA
With the shocking news of FIFA president Sepp Blatter's resignation comes a chance for the Fédération Internationale de Football Association to right some of their (many) wrongs. Wrongs that have lead to, among other less serious things, the deaths of hundreds of migrant Nepalese/Bangladeshi workers banished to Qatar's impossibly large infrastructure project as the country prepares for its illegally obtained World Cup in 2022. Now's the time to clean up this festering hive of scum and villainy (FIFA, not Qatar) and implement the sweeping changes that reasonable people have been asking for for decades.
Here are a few ways FIFA can keep the ball rolling and fix some of the stuff that makes them so reviled around the world.
15) Adopt a strict "No Slavery" policy. That's a start.
14) Bribe the bribers not to bribe.
13) Give the bigger countries more of a say when it comes to voting so that Lesotho's vote doesn't go to the highest bidder and cancel out, oh, say, Brazil's.
12) Overtimes in World Cup knockout stage games to be decided by the "golden goal" rule and not the "free throw contest" like they currently are.
11) Video replay for handballs, offsides and goals.
10) Get rid of the Oceania Confederation. There's no reason why the weakest soccer region should get a bid to the World Cup (they get 0.5, by the way). Australia's already moved to the Asian Confederation, so why not just bring the rest of the 11 Oceania nations over to the mainland?
9) World Cup host nations must already have running water before being asked to spend billions of dollars on infrastructure for a three-week soccer tournament.
8) Rename FIFA to something that isn't so redundant-sounding. The Fédération Internationale de Football Association calls itself a "Federation" and an "Association." Pick one.
7) To ensure no one is lining their pockets with kickbacks, all World Cup marketing rights must be given to apparel companies that are so unpopular they wouldn't possibly be able to afford bribing FIFA executives. Think FILA, or JNCO.
6) Make World Cup qualifying resemble the actual World Cup. Break up larger Confederations into small groups, the winners of which would then play in a tournament.
5) Throw Sepp Blatter into the Death Star's reactor core.
4) Give Europe more World Cup bids. There's no reason Sweden or Ireland should be missing the biggest tournament in the world for eight years.
3) All World Cup proceeds go towards feeding the world's starving population.
2) Give the Canada the 2022 World Cup.
1) Term limits for FIFA presidents from here on out, ok?
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