Turns Out Ryan Lochte’s A Lying Liar Who Definitely Wasn’t Robbed [UPDATED]
There have been people from the beginning saying that Ryan Lochte's story of being robbed at gunpoint with three other USA swimmers last weekend sounded fishy. And it turns out that it wasn't just a colorful retelling of the truth; it was a blatant lie.
Why? I promise I'll get into that, because I have a serious theory to put forth. But first, you need the facts.
On Sunday, Ryan Lochte's mother told the media that her son and three other Team USA swimmers had been approached while in a taxi, pulled out of the car and robbed at gunpoint by one or multiple men who were dressed as police officers. Lochte later confirmed the story to Billy Bush (obviously) on NBC's TODAY.
As absolutely brain dead as Lochte may appear sometimes, this was not a story that was too difficult to believe considering the current social climate of Rio and the stories that have plagued the Olympics thus far. But things immediately got tense between officials in Rio, the IOC and the swimmers who made the accusation.
On Wednesday, a Brazilian judge ordered Lochte's passport to be seized, along with those of his cohorts Gunnar Bentz, James Feigen and Jack Conger. The action was taken in light of a police investigation that produced very little evidence that the armed robbery ever took place, and it became quickly apparent that Rio officials weren't going to let this thing go. Of course, Lochte was already out of the country by the time the judge made the request. Hmm...
Brazilian authorities did end up pulling Conger and Bentz off their U.S. bound flight later in the day though, and brought them in to be questioned. Apparently the city that almost ruined the entire Olympic Summer Games with its disease, economic upheaval and sewage-filled waterways still has a few things that they will not stand for.
Good for them.
According to the Associated Press it was during the ensuing three-hour probe that the two swimmers confessed that Lochte's story had been a complete fabrication. But hold onto your hats people because the story about what actually happened with the four swimmers at 6am in a Rio suburb is just as ridiculous as you could possibly imagine.
It turns out that the four drunken swimmers had their taxi stop at a gas station so that they could pee. In some incoherent act of defiance after failing to open the door to the bathroom and eventually breaking it, one or some or all of the men started to pee on the wall. Their behavior resulted in them being confronted by a security guard who, according to a Brazilian official, was armed with a pistol but did not brandish it.*
So the question still remains. Why would Lochte fabricate an entire story about an armed robbery when all that had happened was some drunken vandalism at a gas station? I have a theory and it's a simple one:
Because that's the lie that Lochte told his mom.
Once his mom went public with it, as moms tend to do, he felt he had to stick to it. Ryan Lochte is clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And despite being 32 years old, he is most definitely a mama's boy. Much like his superstar teammate Michael Phelps.
So Lochte stayed out until past 6am partying and getting hammered, most likely lost his wallet somewhere along the way and then vandalized a gas station with his pee. Perhaps him rolling into his lodging at 7am without his wallet on Sunday morning raised a few alarms. I know that if my mom were in Rio with me, she'd want some answers. Except I'd tell her the truth because that's how we roll. And I'm a full grown adult.
But Lochte straight up lied to his mom, because she's strict and he's a coward and an idiot. And she believed him because it's Rio, and that place is a full-on shit show these days.
So as absurd as it may sound, I 100% believe that Ryan Lochte is now at the center of an international incident because he didn't want to tell his mom that he stayed out too late, got too drunk, lost his wallet and then vandalized a gas station.
:: insert 12 cry-laugh emoji faces here::
If you've ever met a douchebag bro who has an irrational fear of disappointing his mother, then you know that I'm right.
Multiple sources cite Civil Police Chief Fernando Veloso as clarifying that the security guard at the gas station did brandish his weapon, but that they were not robbed. Here is a screenshot from the New York Times story regarding the updated report:
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