There has been some seriously contentious debate recently about whether or not it was appropriate for Michael Vick to suggest that Colin Kaepernick cut his hair – which has been styled in an afro – if he wants NFL teams to consider hiring him.
Sure, it sounds like the perpetuation of a harmful, unfair and bigoted stereotype that has plagued qualified black men and women in the work force for as long as we can remember. And yes, there’s conclusive evidence that an afro can fit under a helmet because hair is actually quite malleable and that’s how Kaepernick played all of last season.
But guys, the NFL is a BUSINESS. You dress for the job you want, not the job you have. The football field is no place for an unkempt mane. It’s high and tight out there. Steinbrenner style. Can you even think of an NFL player whose long locks were such a huge part of their identity?
Neither can I. So being the altruistic person I am, I’ve put together a visual list of hairstyles that NFL players have sported while playing in order to give Kaepernick a better idea of what is acceptable for a football professional.
1. The “Team Pride”
If you’re rep the team you play for on as much of your visible body as possible, team owners will know that you really take your job seriously.
2. The “Sweaty Targaryen”
A beautiful blonde mane and a winning smile worked for Gisele Bundchen, Brooks Reed and the Mother of Dragons. Learn from the successes of others.
3. The “Windblown Disney Princess”
This is closely related to the Sweaty Targaryen, only it requires that you constantly remove your helmet and throw your hair around in the breeze like Pocahontas singing ‘Colors of the Wind’.
4. The “If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late For You”
Show that you’re a true competitor who doesn’t let other players get in your head by writing them a personalized note. On the back of your head.
5. The “Saved By The Bell”
Geometric symmetry and bright colors from head to beard. If you style your hair after the opening credits to an early 90’s TV show, people will understand that you’re well-rounded with many interests.
6. The “American Ninja Warrior”
If you watch that show, you know what’s up. This is some straight Jamie Rahn shit right here. If you don’t watch that show, then you should. They’re allowed to be talented athletes AND have whatever kind of hair they want!
7. The “Jasmine”
A relative of both No. 2 and No. 3, the Jasmine is the classiest, most sought after ponytail style in the history of ponytails – or at least since “Aladdin” was released in 1992.