DO YOU BELIEVE IN SHOOTOUTS: U.S. Beats Russia In Penalties

  • Jake O'Donnell

In what everyone will formally learn tonight when NBC re-airs the game, the U.S.-Russia group stage game was one for the ages. Quick recap: Cam Fowler and Joe Pavelski scored for the Americans, Pavel Datsyuk scored twice for the Russians, a controversial goal that would have won it for Russia was disallowed because the net was off it’s moorings, Jon Quick made enough saves in the shootout to give St. Louis Blues star T.J. Oshie a chance to net the game winner on the 8th try.

What happened next is hard to say, as television cameras short-circuited on account of the energy being sucked out of all 17,075,200-square-kilometers of the Russian Federation. Preliminary reports suggest an eagle, adorned in sweet-looking acid-washed jeans and a Harley Davidson skull cap, swooped down onto the half-melted ice, picking Oshie up in its majestic talons, flying him around the arena to the sounds of Rick Derringer’s “I Am a Real American,” raining free hot dogs and VHS copies of “Predator 2” on the euphoric crowd.

Then Jesus turned to his Dad was all like, “Great game.”

Or not. Whatever, you weren’t there so how do you know that didn’t happen? Exactly.

Oshie ended up with four goals in the shootout, taking six of the Americans eight attempts. Congratulations, T.J. Oshie! You’ll have a National Monument erected in your honor waiting for you at the airport (and your stupidly hot girlfriend Lauren Cosgrove).




GIF via Mocksession