Shut Up, Dwight Howard

  • Matt Rudnitsky

Dwight Howard Kobe Bryant

Welcome to SportsGrid’s new Tuesday feature, “Shut Up,” (pronounced: “shut up… comma”) where we add a name after the comma, telling that person to stop saying words, because they’re being stupid. This week, we say: Shut up, Dwight Howard. Kobe Bryant may stab you after what you said this offseason.

The point of this series is not to pick on easy targets. Which is why I’ve attacked the Worldwide Leader in Sports, and an entire nation. But Dwight Howard is being dumber than usual, and this is just too hard to resist.

CSN Bay Area reports that Dwight Howard’s demands of the Lakers in their meeting with the free agent center in early July centered around two controversial issues: firing Mike D’Antoni and amnestying, or “muzzling,” franchise icon Kobe Bryant.

Howard obviously gets a pass for wanting D’Antoni fired. That’s like asking to hold the mayo on your slice of pizza. An obvious move that shouldn’t even need to be said aloud.

But let’s address the remaining demanded options one by one. First, asking to amnesty Kobe Bryant?

What the fuck was Dwight even trying to do here? Why would he want to play on the Kobe-less Lakers? I’m sure a lineup of Howard, Pau Gasol, Steve Nash, Andrew Goudelock and an offseason signing of a(n alleged) crackhead would have contended for a title for years to come.

Seriously, if Dwight wanted to leave, he had the option of Houston, a legitimately good basketball situation. And he made the right decision, eventually. Why is he telling the Lakers to amnesty a franchise icon?

I am by no means a Kobe fan. If anything, I’m too harsh on Kobe. I don’t like him. I think he’s overrated. But the Lakers were absolute horse-shit with him last year, and they would have been moldy gecko-shit without him.

It sounds like Dwight thought this was unrealistic. Which is why he gave them an alternative. “Muzzling” Kobe Bryant. How would this even work? You tell Kobe Fucking Bryant to be quiet? Tell him to stop picking on Dwight? That’s gonna work?

The only way the Lakers could possibly “muzzle” Kobe Bryant would be to actually muzzle Kobe Bryant. And I’m fairly sure that’s inhumane, illegal and detrimental to shooting form.

I could go on for days on the absurd insecurity of Dwight Howard, but I think you all understand that. The man is the largest baby ever recorded on Earth, yet an impressive rebounder for someone whose balls haven’t yet dropped.

Dwight Howard eventually made the right choice to team up with James Harden, but it appears that was only because the Lakers declined to shut a human’s mouth with a device intended for a canine. And if the Rockets disappoint this year, I fully expect an “amnesty or shave his beard and stuff the hair down his throat” ultimatum to Daryl Morey regarding Harden.

To which I will say, again: shut up, Dwight Howard. I think it’s legal to muzzle yourself.

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