ESPN Pimps College Football Playoff With Most Disturbing Commercial Ever
ESPN and Urban Meyer have teamed up in an attempt to ruin everything you love about college football. Please be advised that once you hit play, the next one minute of your life will be horrifying.
Um, what in the ACTUAL SHIT just happened?
Stanley Kubrick couldn't have made a more unsettling commercial than this. It's so dark and weird and creepy on every level, from the darkly whimsical horror-movie music straight down to the most upsetting use of mascots since Death to Smoochy.
Let's examine just how disturbing this whole thing really is by breaking down my stream of consciousness upon first viewing this hallucinogenic love child of college football and "A Clockwork Orange."
First it starts out with a colossal red-hued wave which is apparently supposed to represent the Crimson Tide of Alabama.
That's a cool idea and I'm totally on board with the creativity, even thought I notice that the background music is a little Shark Week meets evil clowns. I'm thrown off but intrigued.
Then we get an artsy shot of an Ohio State podium mic and some way-too-close video of Urban Meyer saying "They're coming" like he's the President speaking to the American people right before an alien invasion.
That seems slightly dramatic for college football but I can let it go because it's Urban Meyer and he's prone to pretentious hyperbole anyway. Okay so what's next?
Holy hell. That is straight out of a childhood nightmare I had after watching the "A Christmas Carol" with Scrooge McDuck. And I'm sorry wait a second...does that sign say 'Eat Your Enemies'? What in god's name is that supposed to mean? I'm sorry but I was under the impression prior to this commercial moment that mascots were meant to pump up the crowd, rep their team and get the fun started. That dinner table looks like some ritual sacrifice shit.
Speaking of which...
Oh how whimsical! Now I get to picture a bunch of bloodied bears trapped in the street. Nothing like bear carcasses to get me pumped for some football.
As if I wasn't feeling tripped out enough yet, here comes some cartoon birds with toilet paper!
Cartoons put randomly into places they don't belong is about as disconcerting as it gets. There is no goddamn reason to do that. Except they do, and they keep doing it; except next time they draw it up all old-timey style and reiterate the fact that apparently mascots are constantly try to eat each other.
Nifty. I especially loved how they set that to the sound of a nuclear alarm siren to really take my anxiety to the next level. At this point I feel my survival instincts start to kick in.
Then we get to these psychotic USC fans rolling up all ominous as fuck on the Rose Bowl with a Trojan Horse.
Do these people not understand how football or Trojan horses work? What the hell are you trying to sneak in?
Here's where I finally lost it though.
Holy shit you did not just do that, ESPN. No.
I am never going near a mascot again. I don't know what creep thought that they'd get me pumped up for the college football playoff by turning mascots into psychopathic, ritualistic stalkers that watch us through cages and want to murder us; and eat each other. What a nightmare.
Good luck trying to sleep tonight.
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